October 14, 2014
Everyone knows that come Halloween, all the basic bitches will be dressing up as slutty versions of things – slutty zombies, slutty devils, slutty mice – the usual stuff.
If you want to dress up as something different, something current and something relatively easy, then make this most of this by making your own basic bitch costume – you literally can even. And fall is the best time to be basic.
The first thing you’ll need is an outfit. Ugg boots are an absolute must. You can wear them with jeggings (worn as trousers) or denim cut-offs cut so short they’re technically underwear. If in doubt, just search for photos of girls at ‘chella (that’s Coachella Festival to you non-basic bitches) and dress exactly like those girls. Another option is to wear yoga pants and constantly bang on about doing yoga and pilates, but with no real intention of ever going. You probably should go, because “thigh gaps” are everything. Halloween is only one night though, so simply achieve your “thigh gap” by standing with your legs further apart. Instant “thigh gap”. Be sure to Instagram your outfit with the hashtag #OOTD.
#Accessories. Once your nail art is complete and you’re wearing a ring on every finger, now is when you snap an Instagram of your hand. If you’re feeling adventurous, ombre hair is totes where it’s at. Bangs are hot, but you should update your status to see if people think you would suit bangs before you actually get bangs. Rubber bracelets are a must – ideally charity ones #philanthropy – and you’re going to need a hippy headband. Carry a massive handbag in one hand and a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice latte in the other (’cause #fall, guys) . If you’re basic, coffee is your lifeblood. For that authentic basic bitch effect, make sure the barista spells your name wrong because this will lead to so much banter and one hell of an Instagram photo. Basic bitches love Pinterest, so grab yourself a piece of card and stick loads of crap to it. Totally plan your wedding on there (even though you’re not engaged), gimmicky work-out tips (you really wanna lose 3lbs) and inspirational quotes will fill it out nicely too. Bonus points if you can get something “Keep Calm and…” on there.
Ideally, you want to abbreviate the bulk of the things you say. You’re also going to want to hashtag things out loud and literally say literally as much as you literally can. Unless you literally can’t even. Exaggerate everything. It doesn’t matter if you’re happy, sad, embarrassed or overwhelmed – everything should make you want to die. Literally die, like, plan your funeral because you’re so happy you’re dead.
Your heroes are Bella Swan (because you want her skin and her relationship with her hot vampire boyfriend, OMG she’s so lucky), the cast of Girls (especially Shoshanna because, like, she’s the real voice of our generation, or at least a generation) but the queen of the basics is the one and only Carrie Bradshaw. Sex and the City is a timeless classic and Carrie is your hero. Carrie is also your spirit animal and you know this because Buzzfeed. Take a load of Buzzfeed quizes in preparation so you know which Disney Princess you are, what your job should be, how you’re going to die and what kind of cookie you are.
If you’re throwing a basic party at your house, get that basic decor by accessorising your place as follows. Be obsessed with Paris – because France, because love, because pastries – and have at least one Eiffel Tower somewhere. It’s also OK to be in love with New York because Sex and the City, because Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Another basic basic is an arty photo of a tragic Hollywood starlet from the past like Marilyn Monroe. You have to have something Breakfast at Tiffany’s on your walls but if it is anything other than Audrey Hepburn in that iconic pose then you’re doing it wrong. As well as “Keep Calm” crap, you’re going to want inspirational quotes everywhere. Decals are a must. If it doesn’t say “Home” somewhere in your home, how will you know you’re in your home? Think about it. Scatter framed photos of you and your girls everywhere – ahh, you just love your girlies so much. You should go for cocktails soon. Your girlies are your besties, but your best bestie – your BFF – should be referred to as “the wife”.
A playlist of current pop hits mixed in with the classic boyband hits of your youth will make for one epically basic gathering.
Selfie. So much. Until your face literally hurts.
And finally, remember this: Keep Calm and Instagram Everything.
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