April 27, 2015
If you’re a teen, they leave you alone because you’re too young. If you’re over forty, the leave you alone because clearly you’ve made some kind of decision to remain single forever and ever – or else you’d be married by now, right? But, if you’re in your twenties or your thirties and you *gasp* don’t have a man, then you’re going to want to grab a big, brown umbrella for the downpour of single-shaming shit coming your way.
Whether it’s your mum’s friend who you bump into in the supermarket, that girl you went to school with that you never really liked anyway or elderly relatives at weddings – people are going to ask you if you are in a relationship and when you don’t give them the ‘right’ answer… crapola.
If there’s one thing that sucks about people in relationships (other than their nauseating Facebook updates, insistence on only socialising in pairs and those Godforsaken ‘couples’ photoshoots that need to STOP RIGHT NOW, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU.) it’s the fact that they have forgotten that it is possible to be happy and single. They’re loved up and content and that’s lovely, truly it is, but single people can be happy too. Like, properly happy. Not even a little bit straight-razor-and-a-hot-bath sad like everyone thinks they are.
It’s cliché, and it makes me almost as sick as couples photoshoots do, but it’s true what they say: you don’t need an ‘other half’ to make you whole. Except you do, lest people make you feel like shit, you big, single loser.
Here are the ten woes of singles girls…
You sound idealistic when you try to explain yourself
It might surprise you to learn that some girls are single by choice. Yes, choice. They are willingly staying single because they don’t want to settle for just anyone. You don’t believe me? Look, shows like Jeremy Kyle are proof enough that anyone can find someone to sleep with them – it’s really not that hard to just hit-up a town centre on a Friday night and pair off with someone just as desperate. But who in their right mind would want that?! I take my hat off to anyone who would rather be single than settle, but not everyone is as understanding as I am and the second you start trying to explain that you’re waiting for someone worth it, people will think you’re an idealist. An unrealistic nut with crazy high standards that no man will meet. What are you waiting for? Henry Cavil to fly through your window and take you away to happy-ever-after land (incidentally, I am)? I mean, that normal-ish seeming bloke 27 kms away with the beard and the bantz from Tinder wants to take you to Nando’s, you lucky cow. Better to wind up halfheartedly blowing someone down an ally to show gratitude for that piece of chicken he bought you, right? Wrong! No one should ever settle.
Love songs and movies and TV – oh my!
Just because someone is single and happy, that doesn’t mean that they are anti-love. Sure, it would be nice to meet someone, but it’s not that big of a deal… expect TV shows, movies and love songs remind you that you are single. Watching a romance blossom in a TV show, seeing that happy-ever-after at the end of a movie or listening to a ballad – all of these things remind you that it’s nice to have someone. So when that James Bay song comes on the radio and you listen to the lyrics and realise it’s the kind of music that makes you feel like it might be nice to have someone who gives a fuck about you, you will be reminded that you are single as fuck.
You snap into Bridget Jones mode
We’re here, we’re happy, we’re unashamedly single… and yet, when someone brings up that we’re ‘still single’ (whether that means all alone in the world or still not married) we fall in to Bridget Jones mode and we own it. We agree that we’re still single, we acknowledge that the clock is ticking, we pretend we’re sad, we make jokes about stock-pilling cats, we grab the nearest male and make jokes about pity pacts – why? Why do we do this? We become this single girl caricature and then we walk away and we ask ourselves why? Why did I just do that? And it’s because everyone around us is making us feel like we’re not normal.
Spinsters are not sexy
When you search ‘bachelor’ it brings up images of young, sexy men. When you search ‘spinster’ it brings up images of old maids with lots of cats. The truth is that bachelors are seen as these sexy men about town with great jobs and well cut suits and sports cars, who plough through girl after girl, never wanting to settle down. Single women are seen as cray-cray cat ladies who cannot get a man, no matter how hard they try.
You get left out
I was still a teenager when I realised that people in relationships only want to hang around with other people in relationships. I didn’t get this. I still don’t get this, unless they’re massively into swinging? I realised quite young that my friends who we’re eager to boyfriend-up were the same friends who did not invite me to their little couples-only gatherings. This is still a thing. People tell me that, when I settle down, I can start attending their dinner parties with the other couples. How lovely, right? Nice and civilised. Well, with respect, friends who say this to me, shove your fucking dinner party up your fucking arse.
Something must be wrong with you
Why are you single? That’s what people ask. The answer? Because you are. Because there’s no one you want to commit to. Because you don’t want to settle for just anyone, OK? Nope, not OK. People need an answer. If you have anything going for you, be it good looks, a dazzling personality or anything at all that makes you a catch, men will ask you what is wrong with you, and they will expect an answer. Like, if you were as cool as you seem, you’d definitely have a boyfriend… Idiots.
Weddings are an ordeal
What better way to celebrate two people tying the knot than to single-shame the guests who aren’t taken? Weddings are the absolute worst place for a single girl, because the focus seems to be on them. They’re the sad, single cows, herded together to catch the bouquet in the hope of getting married next. They’re the ones patronisingly told they’ll definitely be next. And if it’s someone related to you getting married then you might as well make your way to the highest point of the church and throw yourself off, because people will openly express sympathy for you, for not having anyone. Woe, woe.
You’re obviously a slut
Just because a girl is single, doesn’t mean she isn’t interacting with men. Whether she’s dating, or banging her way though Tinder, single girls are not always lonely ones. Here’s the thing: it’s no one’s bid’ness and it’s fine what people choose to do with their lives. The thing is though, if you’re going out with guys who are not your boyfriend, your taken female friends are going to think you’re a slut. Even if you’re not sleeping with anyone. I don’t know if it’s just women being bitchy against their own kind out of misplaced jealousy, but it’s a thing. And they’ll feel sorry for you, like, aww, I remember how horrible it was to be single. Aw, babe, do you really? Thanks.
You sound like you’re making excuses
If you don’t have an other half, then how can you be whole, right? Wrong, you crazy person. Maybe you’re too busy having fun or you’re working lots. Maybe you’ve just got so much on your plate that you can’t focus on a relationship right now… but when you tell people these reasons, they will smile and nod and rub your shoulder and go home and say a prayer that you don’t take your own life because you’re sad and single and you’re just kidding yourself. *rubs temples* No one will ever believe you.
People wonder how you’re even alive
Like, if you don’t have a boyfriend, how do you open jars? Who kills your spiders? Who assembles your furniture? Well, I’ve never met a jar of Nutella I couldn’t open. I chuck a copy of Tatler at spiders which does the trick (you could kill a horse with a copy of Tatler) and I pretty much take care of my own DIY and anything I can’t do, I ask any of the several male (or female) people that I know. You don’t need a man – you know what they say: a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Of course, as soon as someone is loved up, they forget this, and they struggle to imagine how you even make it to the end of the day without dying.
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