October 27, 2014
I like to think of myself as a bit of a Tinder expert. Well, no, I don’t like to think of myself as an expert in all things Tinder, but I suppose I am.
What started out as me curiously downloading the app after my friends recommended I get my newly single butt on there, is now a full-blown addiction that I can’t shake.
It didn’t take me long realise this app wasn’t going to facilitate me meeting a Henry Cavill look-a-like who tastes like chocolate and sweats money – during those endless hours he clearly spends at the gym. Still, even now I’m not in the market for a fella, I still find myself mindlessly flicking my way through person after person. I’ve definitely put in enough Tinder time to allow me to offer advice to those of you still hoping for an ‘appy ending.
It defeats the entire object of Tinder, but I’ve never placed much value on looks alone. As a general rule, I’ll avoid anyone who looks like they could (and possibly would) strangle me – think overly-inflated, steroid-enhanced muscles and a crazed look in the eyes. Otherwise, you’ve got to find new ways to weed out the wrong ones, ensuring you only swipe right on the right ones. You can often tell a lot about what people are like by looking closely at their photos and reading their bios. Don’t look at the obvious stuff, look in the background of the photos and read between the lines of their bios.
My Tindervention is surely imminent, so make the most of my expertise while you can. Here are the ten types not to be trusted…
Mr One Pic
Tinder gives you the option to have six photos of yourself, and it pulls the images you choose straight from your Facebook page. Simple enough, right? That’s why I find it odd when people only have one snap. Sure, pick your best photos, but pick more than one. Nothing says ‘I’m a lazy catfish’ like finding just one photo of someone attractive, and trying to pass it off as yourself. The only thing worse than a catfish is a lazy catfish.
It’s 2014, guys. So many devices have cameras built in now, and the quality of cameras improves more and more each year – to the point of torture, those front-facing iPhone cameras can be brutally honest – so why is it that so many dudes have blurry photos on Tinder? I’m not talking arty filters, I’m talking old-looking, stretched out, poor quality photos…ones that you can just about make out a human in, except it looks like their face has been blurred to protect their identity. If you’re using photos that look like poorly developed outtakes circa 1970s, then I’m going to assume you’re hiding something or that you’re actually 30 years older than you’re claiming to be.
Mr Gang Snaps
When confronted with a photo of a guy, chilling in the club with all his friends, I’ll wonder which one he is. So I’ll flick to the next photo, which is also a group shot, and it’ll be the same bunch of guys. Then you realise he only has these group photos with the same group of mates in each one, so you’ll never know which one he is. You’ll have to ask, but how can you unless you match with him? You can’t do it on the off chance he’s the hot one, what if he’s that strangle-y looking dude on the left. It’s a tried and tested Tinder trick to have a photo of you with your hot friend, in the hope potential partners will think your hot mate is you, and match with you. Devious, very devious.
Yes, I’ve got talking to a few famous people on Tinder…but not that famous. That’s why it puzzles me when the likes of Olly Murs pops up. It was even stranger when George Clooney appeared, especially since it was on his wedding day when I spotted him – you’d think he’d have better things to do. If they’re using press photos instead of personal ones, they’re definitely fake – plus, we’re the selfie generation, so it’s not hard to get seemingly legit snaps of anyone. As a general rule, if they seem too good to be true, they probably are.
Mr Dick Pics
I am instantly mistrustful of anyone who wants to show me a photo of their penis when they don’t even know me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude, but if I spotted Henry Cavill (the love of my life) I wouldn’t march up to him and show him my vagina (probably – hopefully), so I don’t get why guys think that’s a good idea on Tinder. Worse still is when their profile picture is of their junk, like, don’t waste anytime, just show the goods. No thanks, doll.
I’m all for jokes – in fact, a sense of humour matters more to me than anything else – but there’s a time and a place and you have to be actually funny. I immediately don’t want anything to do with anyone who has a silly name, because that means they have a silly name on Facebook. What are we, twelve years old? This isn’t MySpace. I never understand people who have a silly age either. You’re 102? Really? Hiding your age is like hiding your photos…if you’re hiding something – anything – I’m going to be put off.
Similar to being hilariously economical with your personal information, it seems images are another area for creativity on Tinder. Some people litter their profile with memes – hilarious memes – and inspirational things, and graphics that say things like: ‘Chivalry isn’t dead – it went where being a real lady went’ – because being an arsehole is going to hit the spot with all the chicks. The weirdest thing of all is when guys don’t have any photos of their self at all, only memes. Actually, the weirdest thing is when guys simply have a photo of a sign that says ‘I’m shy’. If you’re too shy for photographs generally, you’re weird.
I’ve already mentioned the angry strangle-y types being a no-go, but you can’t always spot a psycho. These mental bastards walk among us, they have nice smiles and wear cool clothes. They work in retail or IT – sometimes they’re police men or firemen. You cannot tell who these freaks are unless you peel back their skin and see their scales… or if you read thier bios. Lots of guys on Tinder think an aggressive bio is going to do the trick. They will think that specifying ‘no crazy bitches’ is a good idea. They have little rants – not rants, meltdowns – in their bios about the kind of guy they are and the kind of girl they want to meet. They’ll rant about eyebrows and pouts like they’re sexually transmitted diseases that they plan on dodging at all costs – well I rock both of these things, and these ranty types will still match with me. If you’re going to have silly principals, then stick to them. If you mad, I’m swiping left.
There’s probably more married men on Tinder than I will ever know – but I can spot a fair few of them because they proudly rock their wedding photos. Some dudes only have snaps from their wedding on there. If you’re married, it’s odd to be picking up chicks on Tinder. If you’re divorced, it’s creepy as fuck that you have photos from your wedding on Tinder. I wonder if divorced guys think that their wedding snaps will show girls how up for commitment they are – it doesn’t, it shows you married the wrong person. It does the opposite of what you want it to. Married couples on Tinder as a team, looking for a third person… nooo thank you! I don’t want citing in a petition for D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
WTF is up wi ppl tlkin lyk dis? Srsly. No1 nos WTF ur tlkin bout. Im all 4 abbreviating – n Im nt the kinda dik that takes the piss out of ppl who cnt spell – bt tlkin dis txt gibberish is jst beyond annoying. Wer all adults. Thers no excuse 4 dis. FFS! No 1 cn be arsed tryin to decipher dis. Ive probs lost u already, haven’t I, bb? I imagine if dey type like dis, dey tlk lyk dis, and dats annoying as fuk, IMHO. No TY.
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