April 4, 2015
I realised something recently: I need to seriously reconsider the mobile company I keep.
Well, it’s the start of a new fiscal quarter, so what better time to get my affairs in order? After taking a long hard look at the kind of thing I was being bombarded with on a daily basis, I decided that enough was enough. No more. Fellas, I am closed for business. I am no longer trading in unsolicited dick pics, angry messages or half-arsed conversations.
Ladies, you deserve better than any of these types of boys, so if you find yourself flirting with any of the following, let me save you some time. I’m not saying block them. I’m not saying ignore them forever. What I’m saying is that, in the spirit of Easter, don’t put all your eggs in any one basket belonging to any of these blokes…
We all have that one guy in our lives who is all over us, all the time – until he isn’t. One minute he’s texting you from morning until night, all day, everyday. Then, one day, for no reason he just stops and you don’t hear from him again. That is, until a few weeks/months later, when he’s all: ‘Guuuurrrrl, where you been?’ and you’re like: ‘Boy, I been right here waiting for your ass to text me back’. The cycle starts again, with your lovey-dovey messages resuming and this time you’ll probably live happily ever after. Except you won’t. He’ll go quiet again. Nip this one in the bud, it’s going nowhere.
As teenage girls we mastered many vital skills, like how to get away with pretty much anything by blaming our ovaries and how to get changed for PE without ever being at all undressed. But the ultimate skill we mastered as teens was the art of texting. How to text quickly, without looking, while we’re doing other things – texting comes to us like swimming comes to fish. That said, if a guy only ever wants to text you, then know that’s as far as it’s going. I’m not saying he should be calling you for hours every night, but sometimes a call is more effective than a text like, say, I don’t know – if someone close to you has died. In situations like that, three words and an emoji isn’t going to touch the sides.
Don’t waste too much time on a guy who is hard to make plans with. You know the type, the kind of guy who keep suggesting you do something, but never actually locks you down for anything. No matter how hard you try, it just never works out – but, is it really that hard? If this is someone you’re thinking of having a relationship with, and the two of you can’t even be in the same place at the same time, then where is it going? Because being in a relationship with someone means seeing them multiple times, and you two can’t even get together once. You’re wasting your time, doll.
Mr. Henry VIII
You, princess, are a wonderful young lady who deserves to have a guy who thinks you are the most awesome woman in the world and treats you accordingly. The thing is, that guy you’re texting… he’s texting like five other girls, and you’re essentially in competition with them for his attention. Who does he think he is, Henry VIII or something? Why can’t he be happy with just one girl, why does have to play you all off against one another for his affections? More importantly, why do you let him? Don’t compete anymore; let the other five battle it out for his attention, while he sits there, stroking his penis over all the girls that are stroking his ego. This guy thinks he’s something special. You don’t want or need a guy like that.
This guy only texts you when he’s pissed, and there’s usually only one thing on his mind when he does – bow chicka wow wow. If you text him back – and stick to his subject matter of choice – you will hear back from him until he falls asleep. But, if you’re sleeping when the message comes through and text him back in the morning, babe, you ain’t hearing anything back. He needs you Saturday night, not Sunday morning. Don’t be that girl for him.
Mr. Pervert – we all know a few of those. He sends you dick pics that you didn’t ask for, he asks for naked snaps in return even though he knows you’re never going to send any – because you never do, because you’re not interested – and yet he persists. We girls don’t like to be bitches, and we don’t like to reject guys, but if you don’t take the subtle hints then we’ll have to make it clear that we don’t want the D. Sometimes we’ll say it, sometimes we’ll tell them we have a boyfriend, but these things don’t always work. Guys see it as a challenge. The only thing you can do if you’re really not interested is stop texting back completely. Oh, and if you are interested, probably don’t be. You’re better than a booty call.
Worry about any guy who treats you like a dirty little secret. Ask yourself why? He’s happy to text you, but he won’t add you on Facebook. Come on, that’s weird, right? I don’t even care about Facebook until I realise someone is being weird and keeping theirs from me. Why, why, oh why? Does he have another bird on the go? If not, he’s keeping something from you…or you from something. Nope.
There’s this guy from my past who recently came back into my life. Back in the day, we were the ultimately will they?/won’t they? and everyone (including us) thought we were going to get together, but we didn’t. So he recently got in touch and let me know that he still had all the old feelings for me, and that we should finally act on them… except he’s married now, and he plans on staying married, but we should still get it on anyway. Erm… nope. Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, get involved with a taken man. It will only ever end in trouble. And even if you are ‘meant to be’, if he will cheat on someone he cares about with you, he will do the same to you eventually.
I am a firm believer that, as soon as you find a guy you can converse with exclusively in emoji and know exactly what the other person means, you’ve found ‘the one’. That said, if you’re talking to a guy who doesn’t reply, he simply drops a smiley face and a fist-bump – that ain’t a conversation. If you ask how he is and he doesn’t ask you back then you want to find his mother and ask her what she raised, because asking someone how they are is just manners. Replying generally is just something that comes naturally to those with good manners, to the point where a text conversation might never truly end because no one wants to be the one to not reply. If you’re talking to a guy who only replies when you ask a question, what are you doing? You’re just texting him and he’s replying the bare minimum because he thinks one day you might have sex with him. This guy isn’t even being that nice to you, he’s just throwing you a few token texts because it’s enough, because you’re letting it be enough. If he isn’t texting you, you shouldn’t be texting him.
There are a lot of nutters out there, and you’re texting with them – why? I am guilty of putting up with it too, but no more. I’m not saying your boyfriend should be allowed to treat you like shit, but some random dude has no right to have a go at you for anything. Is he a prick when you mention another dude’s name? Dare to mention a date, even though you’re just friends? Does he kick off if you call him ‘mate’ or ‘buddy’ and insist you call him something like ‘honey’ or ‘darling’? I mean, I’m northern and we love our terms of endearment, but I use them all, not just the ones that make you think I want the D, when I really don’t. Anyone who is bollocking you really does not deserve to talk to you. Don’t put up with it.
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