May 21, 2015
Ah, 3am – it’s good for a lot of things. It reminds me of an old Busted song that I loved. It’s a time when I’ll text absolutely anyone back out of boredom, whether it’s simply swapping emoji messages with the bestie, or half-heartedly sexting that guy I only hear from in the AM because what else am I going to do, sleep? But my absolute favourite thing to do at 3am is to replay in my mind every conversation I had the previous day, and stress over what I should have said. How I could’ve been clearer, funnier – or I’ll think of a real zinger that might not have won me an argument but, my god, it would’ve wiped the smirk off that bitch’s face.
May 9, 2015
Men, right?! Can’t live with ’em, can’t open jars without ’em. This means that we have to interact with them, and not only talk to them, but try and get them to talk back to us.
April 27, 2015
It’s all well and good me sitting here, telling you how to take flattering photos of your genitals, how to therapeutically deface your ex’s things and how to achieve a ‘thigh gap’ in seconds (just open your legs a bit more and eat some effin’ chocolate, babe), but the truth is that I care about you.
April 4, 2015
I realised something recently: I need to seriously reconsider the mobile company I keep.
March 28, 2015
‘What’s the score?’ I asked, sitting down amongst the menfolk who were all totally captivated by the beautiful game. Captivated, that is, until a girl asked them a question. ‘Why?’ one of them asked, confused by my inquiry. By watching football rather than complaining and insisting we turn it off, I was confusing the men. I loved football when I was younger – in fact, I was quite good at it – but as I grew into this sparkly, girly, forever-Halloween, skanky Barbie, my priorities changed. It’s not a big deal. ‘Go on then, what’s offside?’ he persisted – like a firm grasp of football is exclusively reliant on an understanding of the offside rule. He didn’t expect me to know, but I did (come on, it’s not rocket science) and suddenly, the menfolk were in awe – a vagina-person who knows what offside is? That’s adorable.
March 8, 2015
It’s International Women’s Day, and do you know how many people have asked me to write an advice article in honour of such a great day? None, but I’m doing it anyway.
February 20, 2015
I was the first child my parents had and they really wanted a daughter… but they got me. Growing up, I was a total tomboy. I was on a football team, I loved playing outdoors in the dirt with my male friends, having a kick about, catching frogs. I still have a scar on my foot from playing army, I refused to even be in the same room as a skirt and I even had a slingshot, for crying out loud. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were my heroes, and I wanted to a be a Power Ranger (specifically Pink Ranger, because I had the biggest crush on Red Ranger – no one was in any doubt about my sexuality).
February 16, 2015
For some reason, people seem to think I am a Tinder expert. If they have any funny stories, they tell me. If they have any dodgy interactions, they tell me. And if they need any advice, they ask me.
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