June 7, 2015
Breakups are horrible, you don’t need me to tell you that. They’re nothing like you see in the movies, where you eat a ton of ice cream, get a whole new look, go out partying with your girlies and then meet a dreamy new guy who solves all you problems.
In reality, if you handled your breakup romcom style, you’d just get fat, a hair cut you regretted and horribly drunk on a night out where you’d most certainly wind up doing something you regretted with a guy who would treat you with all the respect you were treating your body with at the time (which, around this point, would be 80% Ben and Jerry’s).
So when you do finally find someone awesome who, by some miracle, likes you too, then as much as you want to fall at their feet and say: ‘take me, I’m yours’ there’s a little voice in your head telling you not to, because you really don’t want to go through another breakup.
Well, fear not, because I am here to tell you exactly what to do/what not to do so that you don’t fuck it up this time. You’re welcome.
Do not have the conversation about how many people you’ve slept with
How many people have you slept with? It doesn’t matter, because it will somehow confusingly be simultaneously too many and too few people. Too many and you’re a slut, too few and you’re a weirdo. And you’ll think the same way about your new fella; if he’s slept with no girls, you’ll wonder why… but even one is more than you’re happy with. Just don’t have the conversation, k?
Do not waste time waiting
We’re supposed to wait X amount of time before we answer the phone so we don’t seem too keen. We’re supposed to wait X amount of time before we text back so we seem like we have other things we care about more. We’re supposed wait X dates before we sleep with a guy so we don’t seem easy. Oh, come on, there’s no need to wait to do any of these things. Life is short and you do only live once, so you should do things at whatever speed makes you happy.
Do know your limits
And now, the exact opposite of what I just said. Don’t rush. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do – no one worth bothering with would expect you to anyway. Be sure of what you want and don’t do anything that you’re not totally OK with.
Don’t ask what you are
So, like, what are we? Erm, you’re about to get ditched if you ask questions like that, because it’s a scary question. Not because men are scared of commitment, but because you’re pushing for some kind of label. If you’re happy, just go with it and stop worrying about what you are/are not.
Do manage your time well
Don’t worry too much about if you’re spending enough time with everyone because if you start trying to force it you’ll just get stressed and stop having fun. Do make sure you still make time for your other people… while at the same time, making sure you spend enough time with your new favourite person. It’s all about balance, but the ‘right’ amount of time will be different for everyone.
Don’t pretend to be something you’re not
Pretending to be something you are not is exhausting and you cannot keep it up forever – the truth will out. So don’t pretend to be into something you don’t love, or that you’re good at something that you’re not. Don’t feel like you have to pretend to be anything for anyone. Be yourself because yourself is awesome.
Don’t be crazy
Checking his Twitter to see if he’s talking to any girls that might be sliding up in his DMs? Freaking out over what he meant when he said you had a good appetite? Checking to see if he’s online ten times an hour? Stop, stop, stop. Bitch, be cool.
Don’t bang on about your ex
No one wants to hear you talk about your ex – least of all your current fella. Amazingly, guys still get jealous hearing you talk about what you did with your ex. Not only that, but you’ll seem like you’re still hung up on them and that’s not going to end well.
Don’t be needy
So this new guy is awesome and you want to spent every waking (and sleeping) minute with him… but give him some space, girl. Don’t text him all day long, don’t bug him for attention, don’t do stupid shit to try and get his attention. Again, be normal.
Not everyone is perfect… but not everyone is a bastard either. So while it’s unrealistic to expect your fella to be perfect, this does not mean you should settle for any kind of behaviour that is unacceptable. If he’s a dick head, don’t settle. If he cheats on you or hurts you, don’t settle. You deserve so much better and you can do so much better.
Don’t be lazy
When we’re trying to get a guy, we pull out all the stops. We go overboard on our appearance, we buy new sexy clothes and underwear, we go out to wonderful places with him and be social and wonderful… but then as soon as we get the guy, standards can slip. You’ve got him, so you try less. Maybe you get complacent with the leg-shaving, reach for the granny pants and allow your glittering nights out to turn into boring nights in together in front of the TV… boom! Suddenly you’re both bored and you think you’re bored of each other and suddenly you’re back on Tinder thinking you can do better, but all you can do is all of this, all over again, only to suffer the same fate. Never stop trying to get the guy – it’s not enough to just get him, you have to actively try to keep him by continuing to be awesome.
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