February 2, 2015
[Adopts Sean Bean/Ned Stark accent] Valentine’s Day is coming.
If you’re loved up and happy and stock-piling shit with hearts on and things to feed your significant other while you tell them how much you love them then, with the greatest respect, F-off. This post is not for you.
You can’t go anywhere without being blinded by the rose-tinted aisles of V-Day junk right now (meow!), and if you’re a single girl then you are expected to own it, to go full-blown Bridget Jones and just bask in your sad, single misery, right? Wrong!
I am here to tell you that you don’t have to own it. Don’t be the single-lady caricature you’re expected to be, spitting on everyone who walks out of Clinton Cards with a heart-shaped balloon.
It’s one day, and when you have someone you’ll be just as insufferable, so don’t be a moody cow, and don’t do any of the following…
You’re supposed to eat an entire tub of Ben & Jerry’s, diluted by your tears. You’re supposed to buy yourself a box of chocolates and eat the whole thing. You’re supposed to get a takeaway and eat it from under your single-girl slanket, lest you go outside and see all the people in love and mentally unravel. No, honey. No. The ice-cream alone is in excess of 1,000 calories – that’s more than half your day! Is it really worth binging for one day of the year? Of course it isn’t. Come Feb 15th when you’re sobbing on the treadmill, you’ll wonder why the hell you did it.
Feeling sad about having no one? Obviously get so smashed you start drunk-dialling the less desirable men in your contacts, because it’s better to be with someone – anyone – right? Wrong. If the guys you got in touch with when you were drunk were worth it, you wouldn’t be single, you’d be having sober, year-round interactions with them. I’m not saying don’t drink on Valentine’s Day, just in case you call someone and make a twat of yourself, I’m just saying don’t get drunk just because it’s Valentine’s Day. If you really need numbing through a day of the year that really doesn’t mean anything, gurrrrl, there’s something deeper wrong with you and, hey, maybe that’s why you’re single? [winks]
Bask in your loveless misery
When you’re feeling bummed about being single, watching a Collin Firth marathon for the explicit purpose of inciting feels probably isn’t wise. Sobbing your way through The Notebook and deciding that you’ll never find a Ryan Gosling of your own isn’t going to make you feel better. John Cusack isn’t going to appear, holding a boombox outside your window. You’re not gonna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. Jake from Sixteen Candles isn’t waiting outside the church for you and Judd Nelson isn’t going to be thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got you any time soon… but dwelling on it won’t change a thing.
Bask in your cray-cray, loveless misery
The only thing worse than OD’ing on romcoms is going to the other extreme and seeking out loved-up idiots who you know are going to really suffer for their feelings. Jack and Rose finding each other before torn apart in Titanic, Christian and Satine’s tragic romance in Moulin Rouge and, of course, Romeo and Juliet paying the ultimate price for their love. That’ll show ’em. Going a step further and watching a flick like My Bloody Valentine, with all the loved up idiots being brutally murdered, yessss! No. That’s not right. Don’t hand-pick films, specifically because it’s V-Day. Be normal.
Hide from the world
Don’t hide away in your bed being a miserable cow, just because it’s Valentine’s Day and you’re single. This year it falls on a Saturday – are you really going to give up your night out just because there will be more couples about as usual? Think about it, you’re miserable because you’re alone; how are you ever going to meet anyone if you don’t leave the house? Get dolled-up, go out and have fun. Next year you might be loved-up and suddenly your only options for that eve will be romantic ones, and you’ll secretly miss being able to go out with your mates and dance the night away.
Hate on men
Bloody men, right? There’s something wrong with all of them, that’s why you’re single. Except it isn’t. Yes, OK, there’s stuff wrong with a lot of them, but there’s plenty of awesome dudes out there. You just happen to not have one right now, and that’s OK. But don’t be that girl, the one who is so miserable about V-Day that she starts ranting about how shit it is, and how shit men are, and how she’s glad she doesn’t have to deal with any of that shit. Honey, ain’t nothing worse than a chick having a rant about how men are all crap and how Valentine’s Day is crap and blah crap blah crap bah.
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