May 9, 2015
Men, right?! Can’t live with ’em, can’t open jars without ’em. This means that we have to interact with them, and not only talk to them, but try and get them to talk back to us.
I’m just kidding. Not only because men are pretty much my favourite thing, ever, but because I never met a jar of Nutella (incidentally my second favourite thing, ever) I couldn’t get into. Well, guess what, I never met a fella I couldn’t get into either. Wait, what? No, I’m pretty sure that’s what I mean, just don’t take it too literally, k? K.
But you see, I, like Batman, have a code of ethics that I adhere to, and as such I only use my powers for good. I would not, for example, use my charms on a man who was already taken because, come on, that’s like sipping a stranger’s Strawberry Bellini in a bar, or slipping on a pair of worn, faded Louboutins that you found at the side of the dance floor. Doll, someone just slipped their gross, achy feet out of those so they could more gracefully twerk to the latest Iggy Azalea tune, do you really wanna jump in that? I’m starting to think my analogies would work better if I were a guy talking about girls, but I’m working with the tools God gave me (or didn’t give me, as the case may be). I also wouldn’t use my powers to, say for example, have a plumber on hand 24-7 just in case my toilet blocks (NB: I am no longer using figures of speech for the time being), a professional rugby player from a vaguely recognisable team to serve as a semi-impressive date for weddings I absolutely don’t want to go to, or a doctor who I can sext filthy pictures to, but only so I can mask my irrational, hysterical, hypochondriac concern about whether my nipples look normal today.
Sorry, ladies, but I’m not going to tell you how to manipulate men. Forget every romcom you’ve ever seen, any chick-lit book you’ve ever read and all those episodes of Desperate Gossip Girls in the City. Men are not puppets – you can’t just start blindly pulling away (it’s worth mentioning that we’re back to figures of speech again) in the hope that they’ll do whatever you want. So if you’re here hoping I’ll tell you how to trick men into being with you, then I’m sorry you’ve had to endure all my disgusting puns thus far, only to find out that I ain’t going to do that.
What I am going to teach you will be far more use to you anyway, because it’s real advice that will serve you well. I’ll tell you how to communicate with men via your phone without pissing them off, because the fact is that men and women are different, and while you and your bestie may have a never-ending back-and-forth, you’ll be hard pushed to find a guy who wants to see a photo of everything you eat, complete with your notes on the calorie content:taste ratio.
Getting a guy to touch your butt is easy, but getting him to text you back is one of the hardest tasks known to womankind. So, step away from the smartphone (unless that’s what you’re reading this on, obvs) and don’t send another message until you’ve read my tips for keeping men entertained with your fingers (I did mention that we’re back on with the figures of speech, right? Right!).
Tweak your settings and save yourself from yourself
First and foremost, I’m going to need you to change your settings, and then your frame of mind, because you will drive yourself crazy, doll. These are shitty times we live in, my friend, a time of read receipts and blue ticks and online statuses (oh my!) and they will ruin your life if you let them, so don’t let them. Whether it’s you having to ninja dash on and offline, purposefully not opening messages so that the person you’re ignoring can’t tell you’ve read it, or you’re being a nut, checking to see if some guy has read your message yet, only for you to freak out over why he hasn’t replied when you know that he read it exactly X minutes ago. Did you say the wrong thing? Is he out with all the other girls in the world? Did he lean over to fart and accidentally ‘read’ it, meaning he hasn’t seen it at all…so should you double text or just STFU, calm your tits and change your damn settings because there is no preferable answer to this questions. Don’t sweat it and go back to basics, when we could blissfully assume a guy just hasn’t seen our message yet. Where possible, turn off read receipts – both ways.
Shut up with the forever alone spinster shit
NEWSFLASH! No guy is going to want to bang you if you go on about how single as fuck you are. Check your privilege. I’ll bet you are young, gorgeous, nice and funny. A pleasure to be around. So if you’re trying to get a guy to ask you out, don’t overdo hammering it in that you’re single, because you can only do it so much before he’ll start to wonder what is wrong with you. Why are you so very single? Why do you seem oh-so convinced that you’re going to be a crazy old cat lady, I mean, obviously you know something he doesn’t so maybe he should keep his distance… You are essentially the kid getting picked last for PE, as far as he is concerned, and who wants to hang out with that kid?
Be careful what jokes you make
As far as I’m concerned, being funny is more important that being attractive. Always. No exceptions. You can be hot, buff, rich – any of the things we chicks supposedly go cray for, but it doesn’t matter to me if you can’t make me laugh. I won’t go out with anyone that doesn’t absolutely break me with jokes, and I think any smart guy would judge his girls in the same way – although we do live in a world where many blokes would sooner have a bird with a waist smaller than her neck rather than a bitching personality, but never mind, eh?
So it’s important to be funny…but humour is subjective. While some blokes will find that joke you made about being married hilarious (’cause it is a joke) others will freak the fuck out, because you said the M word. Similarly, you need to know your audience. I know that if I meet a guy who loves the movie Freddy Got Fingered, that I have a friend for life… but to a guy who hasn’t seen it (or even worse, a guy who didn’t find it funny) then my ‘look at me, daddy, I’m a farmer’ impression will not go down well.
Don’t be neeeeedy
Hi. How are you? Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. TEXT ME TEXT ME TEXT ME. Gurrrl, chill the F out. What on earth is possessing you, to make you think that if a guy doesn’t reply to your message, that sixteen more will do the trick? You are going to freak him out, stop it. I’m serious. Don’t sit there thinking of ways to try and get his attention, because the harder you try, the needier you’ll seem. We all know the phrase ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ and it’s true. If he doesn’t hear from you, he’ll wonder what you’re doing. Are you bored of him? Are you out with all the other men in the world having the most fun you’ve ever had without him? Look, if he misses you, he’ll message you, and if he doesn’t miss you, then you’re wasting your time with him. Remember, you’re awesome, and if he doesn’t see that then he doesn’t deserve one of your messages, let alone sixteen, back to back, nine of which were just a banana/shocked face emoji combo.
Men love their ‘banter’ don’t they? Many men measure banter, like it’s a thing that can be measured, and you’re going to need to have it in abundance if you want to get anywhere with the opposite sex. While it’s important to know your audience when it comes to humour, you do still need to be your usual funny self. Give as good as you get and don’t worry about being silly. No, not all guys are going to find you hilarious, but you don’t want to be involved with the ones who don’t find you funny anyway. So break out your jokes and your witty teasing and work them into your flirting game. No level of pretty makes up for vapidity.
Be careful what you put out
Carefully consider what you put out there, because that’s what you’ll get back. It’s very easy to accidentally lead someone on, just like it’s easy to mistakenly make someone think you’re not interested in them. So if you’re sexting a dude, but freak out when he sends you a snap of his junk – was it really that surprising? Phone based sex stuff is essentially a big game of chicken, where you take it in turns at pushing things further until you get a Snapchat of a guy with his dick in water bottle and you subsequently block him. Too far, guy. Just make sure everyone knows when everyone is joking and make sure your boundaries are clear when you’re serious.
Don’t send nudes
Should you send naked photos? No. Never. It’s never ever going to be a good idea, but if you really have to, then make sure you use Snapchat because they disappear (in an ideal world) but really, don’t do it. Not only because it’s stupid and a dangerous game, but even if you do trust the recipient (and the software) to keep your privates private, then look at it this another way: if you send someone a photo of the Mona Lisa, do they really need to go out of their way to travel to Paris to see it in person? Because they’ve pretty much seen it. Sweetie, you’re more than just a pair of boobs, so ideally let guys see that before you let them see the goods. Y’all come as a package.
Don’t play by the rules
Fuck the fucking rules, OK? I know I said don’t be needy, but don’t panic about double texting. Sometimes, it’s OK to send two. It’s normal. People do with with people all the time – it isn’t gender specific behaviour. ‘The rules’ are stupid. Don’t wait X minutes before you text back because guys aren’t sitting there thinking that you text back too quickly and are therefore not worth it, like, holy shit this one replies to me, fuck this girl. Don’t play it cool, don’t treat ’em mean, don’t drop subtle hints that will fall on deaf ears. Men are people too, so just be normal.
Don’t be easy like a Sunday morning
You don’t need me to tell you not to be easy, but I’m going to anyway. Don’t be easy. Do you know why guys like easy girls? Because they’re easy. But, do you know why guys don’t like easy girls? Because they’re easy. I feel like I spend my days saying this, but this advice applies to most things: be normal. Don’t throw yourself at him, don’t purposefully hold back for X dates. Just be normal. And remember this phrase: ‘nothing worth doing is easy.’
Be yoooourself, be yoooourself
You have to be yourself, not only because yourself is awesome, but because you don’t want to freak anyone out. We’re all a bit weird, aren’t we? But if you pretend to be this sweet, delicate little flower of a women who doesn’t drink until she throws up, who doesn’t quote the movie Evolution on a daily basis, who doesn’t yell ‘motherfucker’ as she shoots people on GTA V, who doesn’t have a vast collection of underwear with cartoon characters on… guuuurl, you’re going to give your guy one hell of a surprise when the real you shines through, and it will shine through, whether it’s when he hands you a PS4 controller because he thinks it will be cute to watch you try to game, or when he offers you ice-cream and you tell him it’s for your ass. You cannot pretend to be a different version of yourself for very long, so don’t put up the front you think he wants.
No one is worth settling for. No one is worth compromising for. Never put up with anything from anyone that you’re not OK with – not just via your phone, but in life too. No girl wants a guy texting her, on her case, all day long, but if he isn’t texting you at all… forget him. If you tell him a member of your family has died, and he replies with four words and an emoji… forget him. If he gets shitty with you because you didn’t text back quickly enough, or because you called him ‘buddy’ or because you didn’t put enough kisses at the end… FFS, forget him. Don’t give yourself an RSI trying to keep up with the texting demands of someone who is just not worth it.
Be less popular
OK, I’m not saying, ohhh, look at me, look how popular I am, but I’m always juggling conversations with too many people, and I’m getting my balls confused. I have too many balls to keep in my hands comfortably. Don’t get into a mess where you have so many conversations on the go that you stop replying to people, because as they pile up, you won’t have time to reply to them all at once, and then you start accidentally ignoring people who are further down the list. It gets messy. Give your undivided attention to the people you really care about. People can tell when they’re one of a whole bunch of people you’re half-heartedly messaging, like it’s dull admin you have to do.
Don’t be a bitch
Be nice. Don’t get on his case about things, don’t be stroppy, don’t say you’re fine and then ignore him for three days, and then get even angrier with him because he didn’t realised you’d been ignoring him for three days. Be honest about things. If he’s having a shit day, cheer him up. If a member of his family has died, go further than sending him four words and an emoji – even if it’s the aubergine. Remember that, beyond being boys and girls, we’re all human, so don’t be a bitch.
It doesn’t matter if you think your thighs are too fat, or your jokes aren’t funny, or you’re not capable of sexting… own it. Guys find confidence sexy, and self-consciousness awkward as fuck. If you’re sending him a snap, trying to hide the four chins you think you have, you’ll look weird. If you’re holding back in your messages, he’ll think you’re hiding something or being off with him. The same applies if you’re not sending snaps. No one is saying you have to do these things, but if you do, then go for it. But keep your bra on in your photos, we’ve been over this.
Don’t be jealous
Don’t lose your shit if he mentions another girl’s name. Don’t stress over who his best friend on Snapchat is. Don’t start googling the names of girls you see him tweeting, just to see if they’re single. Come on, don’t be weird. With all of these issues, it’s less a case of ‘don’t do this’ and more a case of ‘you shouldn’t’ have to do this’. If you have jealousy issues that’s something you need to get in check, but if the guy is going out of his way to make you jealous, ditch him. However, if you’re in the middle ground where it’s not like you have issues and he’s not going out of his way to make you jealous, just follow my blanket advice for everything: be normal. No stalking, no fishing – your questioning to find out if he’s been interacting with other girls isn’t as subtle as you think it is. If you can make peace with the fact that people are always going to have friends of the opposite gender, you’ll be much happier. I mean, consider how many male friends you have that you have no intention of sleeping with. When Harry Met Sally might teach us that men and women cannot be friends – I mean, it preaches the opposite, but *spoiler* they do end up together… but it takes them years to get together, so don’t worry about that bitch all up in his DMs until she’s been on the scene for a long, long time.
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