How to Facebook (without everyone thinking you’re a twat) for girls

May 19, 2015

There are certain people on this earth I am somewhat blindly mistrustful of. Nickelback fans, for example. People who don’t have an iPhone, that’s another good one. The intentions of men I ‘meet’ on Tinder, although that’s more of a genuine distrust born of an awkward encounter (borderline assault!) at a Nando’s that we’d rather forget – but it’s not ‘Have a go at Tinder Day’, that’s tomorrow, so we’ll leave that one.

But… but, but, but. The peeps I find the sketchiest are those without a web presence. Hello, it’s 2015, even my gran has a web presence. Even my dogs have a Facebook, so when I meet someone who doesn’t have a Facebook, I wonder why… What are they hiding? Why wouldn’t they want one? I mean, you don’t have to love it, or even use it every day, but it’s like having a parachute on a plane; you don’t want to have to use it, but you never know when that hot guy from school that wouldn’t go out with you (who, holy shit, got fat and bald) wants to reconnect and you can hit him with a read receipt and no reply. Booyah!

So you’ve got a Facebook, but are you using it right? Probably not, if the number of people who make me want to plough my fist through my screen on a daily basis is anything to go by.

So here I am, your social media spirit guide, ready to tell you how you can be a better person – online at least.

Don’t air your dirty laundry online

Do not, under any circumstances, take out your frustrations in that little box where it says ‘what’s on your mind?’. Sure, Facebook is asking you how you’re doing, but it doesn’t mean it. It’s not your fucking therapist, it’s Facebook. The only people who will get to see your little meltdown will be your friends, family and acquaintances, and all you’re going to look is bitter. Even if you’re posting a sub-status (a seemingly anonymous post intended to be seen by the person it’s about, even if they don’t know it’s about them) you just look cray-cray. No argument ever got settled over Facebook. A scathing status never helped anyone see the error of their ways. You will angrily write a post and feel oh-so much better… until you hit send, when you’ll realise you’re being a Needy Nora. You’ll instantly delete it and it will be gone, but you can’t undo that people read it. Ever. Not without giving them a head injury. It’s easier to just not.

Don’t start

Women can be slippery characters and if you’re not careful they will string you up for their own amusement, luring you into a situation that will land them the ultimate girl jackpot: likes, comments and more ‘you ok, hun?’s than you could possibly reply ‘no, will inbox you’ to. Ladies, stop trying to create Facebook beef. I mean it, stop it. You might think it’s fun and enjoy the attention, but there are real people’s lives playing out on the other side of the screen. Stop it, stop it, stop it. I can’t make this any clearer. It’s very similar to airing your dirty laundry in public, except it’s a little more like shitting your pants in the street. We all think you’re gross. Stop causing trouble.

Keep private messages private

When you post on someone’s wall, everyone knows that you are doing this so that everyone can see, rather than sending a private message. So there’s that. Everyone seeing this public message, analysing why you felt the need to ‘show off’ this particular piece of information. The only thing worse, is when people post a status for the attention of one person. Again, why does everyone need to see this message? Showing off? Being a bitch? It doesn’t matter why, people are judging you for it.

Don’t post too much of a good thing

Hello. Your baby is a beautiful miracle and we’re all so pleased for you… but we can’t really tell it apart from any other baby ever, so maybe posting twenty-seven near identical photos is a bit much. The same goes for anything, really. One photo often does the trick, and a few is fine, but know that if you post sixteen snaps of your new car, no one is going to look past the first one. Because it’s a car. We can see the front of it, you know what, we don’t need to be Lewis Hamilton to imagine what the back looks like. You know that couples photoshoot you and BAE did where you looked longingly at each other in the woods but then you dressed up as Yu-Gi-Oh! characters and we didn’t really get it, but we think couples photoshoots are stupid anyway, but we don’t say anything because it’s your right to be sickly? Yeah, four or five photos, max. Don’t feel like you have to limit what you post in anyway, but know when you’re losing your audience.

Don’t talk to strangers

Do not interact with anyone you don’t know, and I don’t just mean strangers who try to add you or message you. This isn’t just about stranger danger, it’s about not interacting with the large number of epic twats who lurk in the comments. Whether it’s a community post or someone sharing the latest body-shaming article, don’t rise to it. Don’t get involved. Don’t argue with idiots you don’t know to no end.

Don’t be a hypocrite

You can just about get away with being a hypocrite in life. Sometimes. Not that it’s OK. But you cannot get away with shit on Facebook, my dears. And Facebook makes it really easy for people to call you out on it, by putting all of you opinions in one neat little chronological list, so get your story straight. So if one day you’re slagging off chubby girls, then a few months later when you’ve put on weight you’re saying how hot your curves are – yes, they are, but that’s not what you were saying a few months ago. You can’t go from saying people should never discuss politics online to discussing politics online two days later. We can all see you being a hypocrite.

Avoid fads

If you want donate to charity, then do it. Don’t jump on these silly Facebook fads – charitable ones or otherwise. Ice bucket challenges, neck nominations – it’s all well and good until someone literally dies from doing it, and then you look stupid, like the kid who jumped off a cliff because her friends did.

Don’t be intolerant

This is very simple advice that will serve you well on and offline. Don’t be intolerant. Don’t be offensive. We’re all equal, remember that. If you’re going to start posting pro-BNP stuff, you know you’re going to upset people. If you’re any kind of -ist/-phobic, you’re going to offend people even if they’re not the sex/race/sexuality you hate. Ideally change your attitude, but at the very least change what you put out there.

Don’t be a Factivist

I could have happily lived my life without ever seeing an abused horse, an aborted baby or battered child. I know that all of these things exist and, guess what, I know that it’s bad to abuse animals, but I don’t need to see photos of them. You are not raising awareness by sharing these photos. We’re all already aware, thank you. Thank you oh-so much for ensuring that the first thing I saw when I woke up this morning was half a kitten, it really helped my breakfast go down. By sharing these photos you are not changing anything other than whether or not I am throwing up whilst thinking you’re a twat.

About Frankie Genchi

Full-time writer, reformed groupie, geek chic gamer and Henry Cavill enthusiast. Showbiz: www.fleckingrecords.co.uk | Girly: www.girlpanion.co.uk