February 16, 2015
For some reason, people seem to think I am a Tinder expert. If they have any funny stories, they tell me. If they have any dodgy interactions, they tell me. And if they need any advice, they ask me.
This is amusing to me because, despite spending lots of time messing around on the app, and mentioning it in various articles, I have never really, truly used it. I have had no success with it. I have no positive experiences to report back. I have nothing nice to say about mother-fucking Tinder.
What was once a fun way to amuse myself during long journeys and sleepless nights fast turned into me despairing at the human race. It turned into me weeping for the single members of the human race, like, just stop the world right now because I want to get off. And so, I quit. I deactivated my account, I deleted the app, I found other ways to amuse myself that didn’t involve banterous wankers sexually harassing me – e.g. Sudoku.
And so, if you want my advice on how to be successful in love, what I would tell you is to follow in my footsteps and delete the app. I’m sorry to say it, but there’s a reason these guys are using apps and not charming the chicks IRL and that is because there is something wrong with 99.99999% of them. They’re cray. They probably want to strangle you. They dick-measure based on how many matches they have – matches they amassed by having top banter, which was probably heavily focused on your chebs. Honey, you’re more than just a pair of chebs to be swiped one way or the other, so if you want to be successful generally, then hit deactivate.
You’re not here for a lesson in common sense though, are you? You’re here for a lesson in trolling Tinder for dudes. Well, thanks to the time I’ve clocked on the app combined with everything my male friends have told me, I have the following tips for you on how to bag the beardy, banterous, bulking boy of your dreams with this guide on what to do/what not to do. You’re welcome – just don’t come crying to me when it all goes chebs up.
Lying generally is not great, but lying on Tinder is an especially bad idea because the truth will out. Yes, even those little white lies – you don’t have to go full-blown Catfish to fuck shit up with your falsities. Lying about your age, your hobbies, your size… none of this will work out for the best, and I have two very good reasons why. First of all, people do not like being lied to and depending on the gravity of your lie, they probably won’t forgive you for being dishonest. Second of all, if you need to lie to this guy about anything at all to get him to like you, then he is not worth it. You shouldn’t need to pretend to be 21 years old/a Man UTD fan/ a size 8 to get people to like you, and anyone who gives a shit about that stuff needs a left swipe across the face.
DO chose photos of yourself wisely
Let me reiterate from my last point that you do not want anything to do with any guy who values you on your looks alone. If he looks at you and instantly deems you too fat, your nose too big or your chebs (I’d like to point that I hate this word, but that’s the word of choice on Tinder, it seems) too small then, honey, don’t waste your time. Now that we’ve got those guys out of the way, here’s some advice on photos generally. Think your tummy looks big? Your nose looks wonky? Your thunderous thighs dominating a generous 50% of the photo? None of this matters if you own it, because if you have two girls with the same body hang-up, the girl owning it with confidence will be the one who looks better. A guy will be instantly turned off it you’re awkwardly trying to stand in a way that doesn’t accentuate the epic bingo wings you feel like you have. Standing tall looks great, hunching behind your handbag to hide the sixteen chins you think you have doesn’t look great. Be confident in your skin, it’s an attractive quality.
DON’T have lots of photos of your kids
You have a mini me, and that’s awesome. Some guys will care, some won’t, and that’s fine. But… go easy on the photos of your brood. As a girl, seeing a photo of a guy with lots of kids makes us thinking of one thing: my God, his sperm works. Like, really works. I don’t even want to share a sofa with him, just in case. Guys don’t need to worry about this when they see a girl with lots of kids, but what does freak them out is when you have lots of snaps of just your kids. Do be upfront about having them, but you only get to have six photos on Tinder so don’t have one of yourself and then six of Emma-Louise doing adorable things. Guys don’t want to see photos of your kids.
DON’T have photos with your parents
This is something that hadn’t occurred to me, but a male friend told me it’s true and as males are the ones we’re hoping to attract, it’s best we listen, right? Do not post lots of photos with you and your parents, because this is essentially the first time a person lays eyes on you, so having them “meet” your parents too can be quite daunting. I’m told. Personally, I’d quite like to see a snap of a guys dad, as it’s a pretty good indicator of how well they’ll age.
DON’T use your bio to pay tribute to dead people
I once encountered a guy who used his Tinder bio space to write an open letter to his dead dad, in which he apologised for his terrible behaviour growing up. This is all well and good… in therapy. Bro, this is Tinder. You’re trying to get girls to touch your penis and this is not the way to go about it. A male friend sent me a screenshot of a girl’s profile who used her bio space to list each birth and death that had occurred in her family to date, each with a little note. Again, this is Tinder, so no one really needs or wants this information. Telling a guy about every person you know who has died and on what dates said death happened is really more of a second date thing. Like anal.
DON’T quote Marilyn Monroe
Quoting Marilyn, like a basic – can you just literally not, please? Because guys can’t even…! The average guys will think you’re an idiot and the more intelligent gents will think you’re a vapid idiot.
It’s all well and good quoting Ms. Monroe, but think about what you’re saying. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” Hmm, what does this one translate as? Something along the lines of “if you want to play with my big boobs, you’ve got to cope with me being a massive bitch. Because I can.” Perhaps Marilyn was on about taking the rough with the smooth but, come on, she’s Marilyn-fucking-Monroe. She’s one of the sexiest women to ever exist. Men would handle her if she was on fire and riddled with chlamydia. You, on the other hand, cannot get away with any of this. So just always try and be your best.
DO know your audience
Guys don’t care how long you’ve had your horse. I’m sorry to be the one who breaks it to you, they just don’t. Y’know that beautiful photo of your reverse French manicure? Guess what? Guys give no fucks about your nails. They’re reading your bio to find out what you do for fun and what your job is. They’re looking at your photos to see if you’re hot. If you take care of yourself. If you look like you’re fun. At the very least, they will try and draw conclusions from your photos like whether you’re a messy bitch or not. If you go on wild nights out. Why, yes, I do think your limited edition kitten heels are beautiful, but you’re not trying to get me into bed, you’re trying to attract guys.
DON’T be boring
Saying that you’re fun and you like to have a laugh in your bio is as good as saying: “Hello, I’m boring.”
Don’t say that you’re fun, show that you’re fun. Don’t say that you have a good sense of humour, show that you do. What even is a “good sense of humour” anyway? Different people find very different things funny, and I know a joke about bubble gum that proves this point perfectly. Another thing to keep in mind is that the dude you are hoping to chat up is probably chatting to 99 other birds, so you need to stand out. I got so bored of answering the same questions that it didn’t matter who I was talking to. I just could not face typing out where I lived/worked/what I did for fun. It got to a point where I was only replying to the guys who said something to me that hadn’t been said to me before. Some guys will have even less of an attention span than I do, so be interesting.
DO lower your expectations
Disney. Romcoms. Chicklit. Brangelina. We are surrounded by shit that makes us think that there is a Prince Charming out there for us but, sorry babes, there probably isn’t. We’re sold this idea of this perfect, romantic, handsome gent who will sweep us off our feet and treat us like gold for the rest of our lives… on Tinder, the best you’re going to get is a begrudgingly purchased 1/4 Peri-Peri chicken breast and “the shocker”, poorly executed down the alleyway behind Nando’s. Lower those expectations as low as you possibly can, and then force them even lower. This is online dating. Expect nothing more than to be strangled and chopped up, and anything else will be a nice surprise.
DO be brutal
So many boys, so little time. You’ve matched with so many people, you don’t know who to focus your time and energy on and as such you ignore the wrong people. So, get selective. Start axing the undesirable candidates, even if it’s for stupid reasons. Tlkin lyk dis is an instant turnoff for me, so those guys are out. Being boring, chauvinistic, aggressive, etc. were also qualities boasted by the people I was very quick to get rid of. Guys will be the same too. So everyone needs to save everyone’s time by only talking to the people they feel like they really have a shot at something with – even if it’s just the aforementioned Nando’s date.
DON’T trust anyone
*Newsflash* You can’t trust men. You can’t trust women either, because people are shits. Here’s the thing, we all look the same on the outside, so you can’t tell the mental ones from the nice ones, which means that, as a rule, you shouldn’t trust anyone until they give you reason to do so. Sure, he might seem nice, but when you go on a date with him and he’s pushing you in front of traffic for the LOLs and spitting in your mouth, you’re going to start questioning your judgment to the point where you think that maybe you shouldn’t ever go on any dates again, because what if all guys do this? Chances are, the next guy might not be so horrible, but what if he’s worse? It’s a jungle out there and you don’t know which animals are deadly poisonous until it’s too late…
DO be careful who you keep in touch with
While I did make a few awesome friends during my stint on Tinder, it was very hit and miss. For every awesome friend I have to show for my swiping, I have six who I just wish I could wipe off the face of the earth. Because it turns out they’re dickheads, but now they’re dickheads with my number and all I want is for them to fuck off. Think very carefully before giving out your number/real name/Snapchat handle/etc. to people. Another thing to keep in mind is that these people you’re interacting with live where you live. That guy who seemed awesome, who you spent ages talking to, only to find out he’s a freak… suddenly, he’s the reason you can’t shop in HMV anymore because he works there and you’d sooner give up watching films before you’d put yourself in a room with him.
DO avoid these Tinder faux pas
If you only have one photo, guys will dismiss you. They’ll either assume that you only have one passable photo, or worse, that you’re a spam profile. Make sure it’s obvious your profile is legit. Ditto if you only have group photos and it’s impossible to tell who you are – in these circumstances, guys will assume you’re the “ugly one” and swipe left.
DON’T play by ‘the rules’
Don’t play by the silly rules that most girls play by. Y’know, like don’t reply to his message straight away because it will seem like you don’t have a life. Guys don’t think this way. Guys know that most girls always have their phones in their hand, and as such it actually makes you look worse to wait a while before you reply. Guys will see your lack of replies as disinterest. This is also a good way to tell if the guy is into you too, so if you’re not hearing much back from him, don’t waste your time.
DO unmatch people as soon as you establish contact elsewhere
You’ve met a boy. A great, gorgeous dude. A funny, cool-ass guy. You like him as much as will not freak him out and he seems to like you too so you begin interacting outside of Tinder. Thing is though, it might not work out, so you don’t want to be deleting your profile, changing your relationship status to “taken” and shopping for rings – not yet. At the same time, you don’t want the guy thinking you’re not that into him and that you’re making lots of plans with other dudes, so definitely unmatch with him as soon as you no longer need Tinder to interact. Another reason you might want to unmatch is so that you’re not quite so easy to stalk. Now he’s got you on Facebook, he has all this information about you. Oh, you can’t meet you because you’re at Starbucks are you? A quick look at your Tinder profile will tell him how far away you are AKA which exact Starbucks you are in and he can “bump” into you… and who is this you’re out with? Your brother? Your male friend? Your boyfriend?! Don’t invite it.
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