June 20, 2015
When you come out of a longterm relationship, everyone and their patronising older relative will be telling you about all dem other fish in the sea. But when you do dive back in you start drowning immediately because, holy shit, you’ve forgotten how to swim, and you’re so caught up in trying to remember how to swim that you don’t even realise you’re in the kids’ pool. Like, bro, just stand up.
What I’m saying is that dating is easy. You might think it’s hard, but it isn’t – it’s only as hard as you make it, or as hard as you allow it to be.
Well, fear not, because I have five really simple pieces of advice that will change your dating life. And you’re very welcome – just be sure to invite me to your wedding (but only if the cake is chocolate, vanilla or lemon. No fruitcake, please).
Don’t buy damaged goods
If you’re buying secondhand then you can expect the quality of the product to have decreased slightly, no big deal. But as something becomes third, fourth or fifth-hand, the quality gets less and less. Look, we’ve all got a past, but if a guy has had a lot of girlfriends (or worse, lots of engagements/wives) then you’ve go to wonder what the hell keeps going wrong, because something is wrong with someone, and he’s the common denominator in all of his failed relationships. You know what they say, if you break it, you buy it – but if it’s already broken then just leave it on the shelf. Seriously. You don’t need a fucked-up pound puppy that will maul your face off when you try to hug it. So whether your bloke is majorly insecure, terrified of commitment or battling some real anger management problems – don’t make his problem your problem. You can’t fix him, and you can’t live your life putting up with the bad stuff for the fleeting glimmer of good times. Remember: Koalas are very cute and everything about them makes you want to hug them and have one as a pet, but they can still give you chlamydia. Are they cute enough to risk chlamydia, or should you probably just get a kitten?
Don’t worry if things don’t work out
Sometimes you can go on a first date with someone and think that it went OK, because it was OK – but OK isn’t enough. It’s only when someone comes along who gives you that butterflies in the tummy, goosebumps all over your body, weak at the knees feeling that you realise that ‘OK’ was never going to be OK. So don’t worry if it’s not amazing, don’t worry if you don’t get that second date and don’t worry if he stands you up. Your plans might fall through, but better ones will literally fall into your lap. Repeatedly. All night long. And if you’ve been good, the karma gods might see it happen for you that very same day (and again the next morning [winks]).
Don’t distinguish between online and offline
It doesn’t matter if you’re interacting with a fella you met in a bar or on Tinder, the same rules apply. On the one hand, you might think it a better idea to get to know someone over messages first, that way you don’t have to spend the first date awkwardly trying to find out as much as you need to so you can loosen your grip on your rape alarm a little. On the other hand, you might be distrustful of meeting up with people who, for some reason, cannot meet girls IRL. No matter how you meet, or how nice the dude seems, you never know who’s going to turn out to be a crazy person, who is going to suggest you have sex in a disabled toilet and who is going to push you in front of traffic for fun (yep, yep and yep).
Be weary of nice guys
Find a nice guy, that’s what they tell us. And the nice guys themselves bang on about how girls don’t go near them, because they prefer the dickheads and blah blah blah. Ladies, here’s the thing, these ‘nice guys’ are not that nice. In fact, it is preferable you wind up with one of the dickheads who you know isn’t perfect, than to wind up with one of these creatures who think they are nice, but aren’t. On paper, he’s perfect… perfect if you want to impress your gran. He’s got a flat, lives on his own, he has a job – OK, not a career, but he works. He smells nice, looks perfectly normal and stuff. Oh, but guess what? He’s a weirdo, and the sooner you find out, the better. We’re programmed to listen to that voice in our head that tells us to pursue the safe choice, no matter how dull he is. Well, I’m here to tell you to tell that voice in your head to STFU. Life is too short. Don’t go for the nice, safe option (he’ll have some kind of fucked up issues anyway, I promise you), go for the guy who makes you laugh until your face hurts, the guy so handsome you want to throw up whenever he makes eye contact with you. Yeah, he’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for you. Nice guys finish last for a reason.
Personality matters more than anything
So I met this fella recently. He was tall, dark and handsome, and had an amazing job it turned out, but the thing that instantly got me onside was his Australian accent because, if there’s one way to be attractive to women, it’s: be Australian. Now, when I met him he was on a night out and I thought he was drunk, but when I saw him next I realised he was just kind of stupid. Not only was he a bit dumb, but he didn’t get my jokes and not even being Australian can offset that. The lesson to be learned here is that it doesn’t matter how hot a person is, how huge their guns are, how Australian their accent is or how rich and famous they are – personality is all that matters. You need someone who you can chat with indefinitely, someone who makes you literally – yes, literally – pee your pants with laughter, and still thinks you’re amazing. Someone who never says a single word to you that makes you feel bad in any way. Someone who cares if you live or die. You need a character worthy of an epic romance story. If there’s one rule I date by, it’s that you should always hold out for your Jack, because the Titanic leading man might not be the best idea on paper, but he’s the one who is going to make you the happiest, not the rich, safe alternative – even if he does look like Billy Zane with hair…
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