December 28, 2014
And now, for your festive edition of: how to get over your ex.
We’ve all watched enough romcoms to know how you’re supposed to deal with a break-up: you radically change your hair, you eat nothing but ice cream, you watch mushy movies and drink cocktails with your girlies or, if it’s specifically Christmas, you house-swap for the season with Cameron Diaz and fall in love with Jack Black (LOL!).
Thing is, that’s all chicky mush that does not make you feel better, and people don’t actually do that crap, do they? Don’t change your hair while you’re not feeling yourself because your hair is beautiful and you’ll hate whatever you have done. If you eat nothing but ice cream the only thing you’ll be getting for Christmas is fat. Mushy movies are not going to make you feel better about your bleak situation, they’re going to remind you that everyone else is happier than you. Finally, you’re emotional, your judgement is clouded, you’re confused, you don’t want to fall in love with Jack Black.
Don’t do what the chick movies tell you that you’re supposed to do, do the shit you want to do. The stuff that makes you seem bitter, but makes you feel better. The stuff that is as unattractive as it is awesome.
Disclaimer, guys: everything on this list is purely therapeutic. It will not help you find a new man. It will not help you lose weight. It will actually make you less attractive to the opposite sex, and every last one will make you seem full-blown cray-cray.
Put on a brave face – the face of a very brave clown
Well hey there, little dumpee, aren’t you getting into the festive spirit. Except you’re not, that’s not a Rudolph nose you’re rocking around the Christmas tree, that’s your actual nose because you’ve cried and cried and now you’re fairly certain it will never go back to it’s normal colour again, and no amount of ivory foundation is going to cover it, it’s just going to make you look like you’ve been snorting the kind of snow that gets you a spot on the naughty list. Well, here I am, the (pale as a) ghost of your Christmas present to tell you to get a grip. I hereby give you permission to dress in your skankiest outfit, apply as much makeup as your face can physically handle and go out into the real world and play. I’m not saying indecently expose yourself, but if you dad doesn’t say something that sounds like concern packaged up as a ‘you look like a prostitute’ remark, then you’re not looking your best. You won’t feel better until you look better, so go all-out with the tiny clothes and the clown face. Do not start the healing process in a onesie, or you’ll never take it off. Not even to pee.
Do something with someone else – something you’ll regret
When you split from someone you temporarily forget that you are awesome and that there are lots of other boys who want to touch your butt. Remembering this fact will make you feel much better than stockpiling cats for your impending spinsterhood will, so go hang around underneath the mistletoe. As already explicitly stated, you don’t want to go falling in love with Jack Black (or anyone else for that matter) so the level of regret you feel the following day should be appropriate to how badly you behaved. Probably restrict activities to a quick kiss under the mistletoe, just to remind yourself you’re not totally repulsive to the opposite sex. Here’s the thing, doll, you’re too pretty to sleep with losers. Definitely don’t give your number to any guys you meet, because the kind of guy who seems like the man of your dreams on Friday night can often turn into your worst nightmare on Saturday morning when he starts with a barrage of text messages telling you how strongly he feels about you, and the only thing you feel strongly about is the contents of your stomach coming back up.
Eat his advent calendar – after you deface it
You cannot simply eat your feelings to feel better… but you can eat your ex boyfriend’s advent calendar, and it absolutely will make you feel better. If you want to do it right, then it’s best to eat is all in one sitting, because you’re not an animal and you’d never do that with your own advent calendar. With his, it’s fine. It’s also final. You can’t take him back if you ate his entire advent calendar in one sitting. If you want the process to feel extra cathartic – and your fella had one of those awesome iced-with-his-name calendars – then you can’t even imagine the pleasure you’ll take from seeing what kind of rude word you can make with the letters from his name. I feel I really lucked-out with my lettering.
Get into the festive spirit – his festive spirits
I am not about to sit here and tell you to get drunk to make yourself feel better, because alcohol will not make you feel better. However, like that advent calendar you commandeered, drinking booze specifically intended for your ex will make you feel the most better you have ever felt, ever. Consider it your severance package, that you get to keep any gifts that people give to you to give to him. Drink his booze, eat his chocolates, pointlessly slip on those novelty festive underpants someone sent him and, when you’re feeling extra irritated, poke your finger through the boy-hole in the front and simulate cutting it off with the finger-scissors you make with your other hand. It’s all part of your therapy, darlings.
Watch Christmas movies – alternative ones
Don’t watch The Holiday. Don’t Watch Love Actually. Don’t even watch It’s A Wonderful Life. Definitely don’t think Bridget Jones’s Diary will be a good idea. You don’t want to see happy, smile, festive people in love. Watch fucking Die Hard. Watch Turbulence. Watch The Grinch. Watch Bad Santa. You don’t need Christmassy weddings and kisses in the snow, you need Bruce Willis saying: ‘Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!’, you need to watch Billy Bob Thornton working his way through the ‘three Bs’. The Black Christmas remake is perfect if you’re off love and festivities. Less musical numbers and glitter, more incest and human-flesh cookies.
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