December 21, 2015
I’m going to cut to the chase: you are doing so much shit wrong. And, it’s not even complicated shit you’re messing up, it’s the simplest shit there is, so I can only imagine you’re not aware that you’re doing it.
Look, I’m not a sexist – some of my best friends are men – and I know that not all men are the same, but I’m sick and tired of having to listen to my female friends get upset because some dude has upset them yet again. And, to be honest, I’ve had my fair share of shit too.
Dudes, I like you. I want to help you. That’s why I’m writing you this open letter, to politely point out all the shit some of you are doing wrong, so you can avoid doing it in the future.
Love Frankie x
P.S Like I said, I know not all men are guilty of all of these things, but these are the crimes that the fellas I/my friends have been involved with are guilty of.
You’re not enthusiastic, like, at all
You can get a boner simply because you woke up on a morning and yet you can’t craft a text message that conveys the sentiment that you’d maybe give a shit if we died tomorrow – not howling at our graveside kind of grief-stricken but like maybe you’d take the morning off work for our funeral and think ‘well, shit, what a waste of a cracking pair of eyebrows’. If you’re involved with a girl human in any way, just text them back, how GD hard is it? Contrary to popular belief, woman are not mind-readers, so if you do give a shit about us, you’re going to have to display it in some way.
You’re keeping us a secret
We don’t want to meet your mum. We don’t need to hang out with your friends. We’ve no desire to be *~FaCeBoOk OfFiCiAl~*…but, if you are doing everything in your power to make sure no one knows we exist, just tell us why because otherwise we’re going to assume it’s because there’s something wrong with us. Won’t talk to us if you bump into us when you’re with your friends? Practically shove us in front of a bus if we’re out together and you see someone you know? Throw us over the balcony of your flat because your mum is on her way over? Yep, we’re going to assume you’re embarrassed of us for some reason. Or married – not sure which is worse.
You don’t want a relationship. But you do. But you don’t.
You’ll date a girl for a long time, but refuse to discuss what is going on. No, I’m not saying you should sign something to lock this shit down, I’m saying you should just lay your cards on the table. To want to keep dating the same girl, but not commit, but expect her not to date anyone else, but still want to date around yourself is just a whole mess of crazy. Guess what, we’re pretty understanding, you can talk to us. If you don’t want anything serious just tell us. If you do want something serious but you’re scared to admit it – well, take a leap. Girls know that we can’t tell guys that we like them, lest we spook them, but you can tell us because even if we don’t feel the same way most of us won’t be a dick about it.
You have your moments – and then freak out
Speaking of men being too scared or too afraid of commitment to actively like a girl…the worst thing of all is when you forget yourself and you do something sweet or something that makes us think you might give even a little bit of a fuck about us, and then backtrack epically for whatever reasons. Maybe you’re scared of being rejected? Maybe you did it by accident? We’ll never know, all we know is that maybe you kissed us on the forehead when you thought we were asleep. Maybe you suggested we go to a gig together that’s seven months away (dating months are like dog years: one = much more time than usual). But don’t do shit that makes you seem like you’re more into it than you are if you’re planning on never speaking to us again in the near future.
You think you need to manipulate us
You don’t have to pretend to be nice to us if you just want to sleep with us. Just tell us that’s all you want and maybe we’ll be into it too. Most women are willing to give men a shot, to give them the benefit of the doubt, and to see what happens. But sadly most men still think they need to trick us into thinking they like us so that they can bang us and then never talk to us again. The hilarious thing is that most of these one-night-wonders are actually not that great at the sex thing. If we wanted a sex buddy, we’d probably pick someone that was awesome at it, rather than the first awkward shag we could find on Tinder that we had to drag-ass 32kms for. Even if your feelings for us are genuine (’cause I have friends who have had men actually marry them and they assure me it’s because: genuine feelings) you think you need to neg us or not text us back or make us jealous – you don’t. If you act like a dick we’ll think you’re a dick and we don’t text dicks back.
We’re all grown-ups, if you’re not feeling it, just say so. What you don’t ever need to do in any situation is ghost; just disappear, cut all communication, hit all block buttons and fake your own death. You’ve got to be a special kind of dickhead to just stop talking to another human being and sadly it happens a lot. Whether it’s a Tinder date who decided your eyes are too far apart IRL and doesn’t ever want to see you again, or that old friend you went on a date with because he insisted you’d be great together, but you had no romantic feelings for him – but would never just stop speaking to because he’s your friend – but, guess what, he didn’t feel anything either so his resolve is to just ignore you from now on… Ghosting is a shitty, shitty thing. Don’t ever do it, ever.
You’re thinking with your little man
You’re not having a good time on this first date at all, are you? It’s not going well. The bird you’re on the date with probably doesn’t think it’s going that well either. Well, when you decide when in Rome (or whatever her name is), and that you’ll shag her anyway so the night wasn’t a total waste of your time, she’ll think you – at the least – find her attractive enough to sleep with. But you’re just driven by your junk and you have no intention of ever speaking to her again. Or maybe you’re seeing someone and another girl will try it on with you and in a moment of weakness you’ll succumb to her charm (girl parts). Use your head – your actual head.
Your standards are insane
Do you know how gross you can be sometimes? Do you know how little we care? Your spotty arse, your nose hair, the fact you’re going grey, the fact you’re chubby or ‘not muscular enough’ or you’re too short – guess what, most girls won’t care so long as you’re a nice person with a good personality. Sadly, men don’t always feel the same. Sometimes you think you can find someone thinner or with a smaller nose or bigger boobs – and you probably can, and if that’s all you care about then go do it. Kind of makes you a dick though – just like it does girls who only care about superficial shit too.
Dick pics, dude
You know when your cat brings you a dead mouse and drops it at your feet, all proud of itself? Well imagine that you are the cat and rather than a dead mouse it’s a photo of your penis, which incidentally looks like a dead mouse. Yep, that’s dick pics. No one wants them, so just stop it. Seriously. No one ever saw a dick pick and swooned.
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