January 26, 2016
Yep, me again. Look, I know some of you didn’t take too kindly to my list of things you were doing wrong (creatively titled: Dear men, here’s what you’re doing wrong…), but some of you are making massive mistakes and it needed pointing out – I was only thinking of you.
But we’re not all about the negativity at GP (that’s just usually the most fun stuff to write about), I give credit where credit is due, so I thought I’d congratulate you on the things you’re doing right. Yes, you are doing things right too – here’s a list so you can keep doing them.
Annnnd, you’re welcome.
You actually show us that you like us
For every five guys out there who wouldn’t pee on us if we were on fire (or guys who would just pee on us generally because they’re into that shit) there’s one guy who isn’t afraid to like us. I mean, yes, we’re pretty scary even at the forgiving times of the month, but most guys don’t care about that when it comes to *~bOw ChIcKa wOw WoW~*. But there are guys who will like you, who will actually want to like you. They aren’t scared of commitment. They don’t want to bang you and then never speak to you again. They’ll do cute stuff that you only thought existed in romcoms like kiss you on the forehead, say movie dialogue worthy things to you and [gasps for dramatic effect] actually text you back. When the shit ones are being shit, they’re super shit, but when the awesome ones are being awesome it’s worth every second.
I don’t even think I’d be friends with anyone who wasn’t absolutely hilarious, but there’s a difference between the kind of laughs you have with your gal pals and the kind of laughs you have with menfolk. Men just have a different brand of humour. They’re not afraid to be silly or look stupid in the name of making you laugh. They’re the best at in-jokes and quoting stupid movies and TV shows. They’re also really good at teasing you, saying the most brutal things in a way that does not even offend you a little bit, because you know they’re kidding.
There are men who still insist on always paying the bill, who insist on walking you to your door, giving you lifts, holding doors open for you and not throwing you out on the street the moment you’re done having sex. Yes, I’m talking about gentlemen. No girl wants a man to always pay for everything (and if you do, that’s not cool, chicks – at least offer!) but the gesture alone means a lot. Making sure we get from A – B alive means a lot. Taking care of us, holding our hand, giving us your coat when we’re freezing – all excellent work, lads.
You’re all about the giving
Being generous with your time, effort and money is a big deal and we’re grateful, but that’s not the only kind of generosity that matters. When I was a teen, I met an older lady in a pub who started talking to me and my friends. She had one solid piece of advice for us: ‘never marry a man who doesn’t go down on you.’ At the time, we thought this was hilarious, but the crazy old drunk lady was right. Sexually selfish men are not the one, so hats (clothes and underwear) off to the men who are all about the giving as well as the receiving.
You make us feel way more attractive than we are
Most of us female folk can actually pass for attractive – even without an Instagram filter – when we’ve got the time and we’ve put in the effort to look good. As soon as we go to sleep, all of our hard work in undone and by morning we look like a scarecrow. Men just have this way of complimenting us that makes us feel like we don’t actually look that bad. Sometimes we’ll inexplicably think we look rubbish, and a compliment will turn our day around. If we get even remotely self-conscious with our kit off – boom – men say just the right thing to stop us caring about our thighs.
You’re proud of us
Whether he squeezes you and spins you around because you got some good news at work, he parades you at family parties because he wants everyone to meet you or he insists you’re *~FaCeBoOk OfFiCiAl~* because he wants everyone to know you’re a thing – men really know how to be proud of you, and it’s guaranteed to make you feel a million dollars – or pounds, because that’s more.
You make shitty days not shitty
Are you having a bad day? The one thing that will cheer your up more than anything is the efforts of a male person. ‘Oh, your day sucked? Here, watch rubbish movies with me, let me cook for you, have a million orgasms until your brain is mush and you forget what was on your mind and if all that fails, just let me hug you until you don’t care anymore.’ Doctors should prescribe that shit.
You get jealous
Girls don’t like jealous guys – false. If a guy is jealous, it’s because he cares. I’m not talking the crazy controlling kind of jealous where he keeps you locked in a room, but if another bloke hits on you and it makes your fella so angry he wants to punch a hole in the wall, then count yourself lucky someone cares about you so much they don’t want anyone else to have you.
You have great taste
One of the coolest thing about dudes? They have great taste. They have great taste in TV shows, their clothes are much comfier than ours, you can guarantee they have an awesome TV and a comfortable sofa and they know all the best stuff to eat while you’re alternating binge-watching episodes of Breaking Bad with shooting shit on GTA Online, while you’re sitting on their sofa, wearing their hoodie, generally not giving any fucks about anything else because you’re so comfortable.
You’re our partner in crime
And finally, the thing that men are getting oh-so right: they make great allies. We chicks get a lot of plus ones: family parties, friends’ weddings, all of the events surrounding all of the holidays, and all of these events have something in common – people we don’t like. People who are mean to us. People who ask questions that piss us off. People who just generally annoy us. A male person will make the best partner in crime, because he’ll stick up for you, help you laugh off that thing your auntie said about horizontal stripes not doing much for your figure. A person you can sit in the corner with and laugh at your drunk mate’s dancing, your racist cousin’s rant and the fact someone’s nana has her dress tucked into her knickers with – having a partner is crime is best thing of all.
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