June 7, 2015
Breakups are horrible, you don’t need me to tell you that. They’re nothing like you see in the movies, where you eat a ton of ice cream, get a whole new look, go out partying with your girlies and then meet a dreamy new guy who solves all you problems.
June 2, 2015
Do you know what the only thing harder than getting a first date is? Getting a second date.
June 2, 2015
Girls have a pretty bad rep for playing games and adhering to silly rules when it comes to the opposite sex. Things like how long you should wait before you reply to a message, how long you should wait before you answer the phone, how long you should wait before you sleep with a guy, etc. Girls essentially spend the early stages of a relationship waiting, which is stupid really because YOLO, bitches.
May 21, 2015
Ah, 3am – it’s good for a lot of things. It reminds me of an old Busted song that I loved. It’s a time when I’ll text absolutely anyone back out of boredom, whether it’s simply swapping emoji messages with the bestie, or half-heartedly sexting that guy I only hear from in the AM because what else am I going to do, sleep? But my absolute favourite thing to do at 3am is to replay in my mind every conversation I had the previous day, and stress over what I should have said. How I could’ve been clearer, funnier – or I’ll think of a real zinger that might not have won me an argument but, my god, it would’ve wiped the smirk off that bitch’s face.
May 19, 2015
There are certain people on this earth I am somewhat blindly mistrustful of. Nickelback fans, for example. People who don’t have an iPhone, that’s another good one. The intentions of men I ‘meet’ on Tinder, although that’s more of a genuine distrust born of an awkward encounter (borderline assault!) at a Nando’s that we’d rather forget – but it’s not ‘Have a go at Tinder Day’, that’s tomorrow, so we’ll leave that one.
May 9, 2015
Men, right?! Can’t live with ’em, can’t open jars without ’em. This means that we have to interact with them, and not only talk to them, but try and get them to talk back to us.
April 27, 2015
If you’re a teen, they leave you alone because you’re too young. If you’re over forty, the leave you alone because clearly you’ve made some kind of decision to remain single forever and ever – or else you’d be married by now, right? But, if you’re in your twenties or your thirties and you *gasp* don’t have a man, then you’re going to want to grab a big, brown umbrella for the downpour of single-shaming shit coming your way.
April 27, 2015
It’s all well and good me sitting here, telling you how to take flattering photos of your genitals, how to therapeutically deface your ex’s things and how to achieve a ‘thigh gap’ in seconds (just open your legs a bit more and eat some effin’ chocolate, babe), but the truth is that I care about you.
April 4, 2015
I realised something recently: I need to seriously reconsider the mobile company I keep.
March 28, 2015
‘What’s the score?’ I asked, sitting down amongst the menfolk who were all totally captivated by the beautiful game. Captivated, that is, until a girl asked them a question. ‘Why?’ one of them asked, confused by my inquiry. By watching football rather than complaining and insisting we turn it off, I was confusing the men. I loved football when I was younger – in fact, I was quite good at it – but as I grew into this sparkly, girly, forever-Halloween, skanky Barbie, my priorities changed. It’s not a big deal. ‘Go on then, what’s offside?’ he persisted – like a firm grasp of football is exclusively reliant on an understanding of the offside rule. He didn’t expect me to know, but I did (come on, it’s not rocket science) and suddenly, the menfolk were in awe – a vagina-person who knows what offside is? That’s adorable.
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