March 8, 2015
It’s International Women’s Day, and do you know how many people have asked me to write an advice article in honour of such a great day? None, but I’m doing it anyway.
It can be hard, being a chick. We’ve got so much shit to contend with that guys just don’t have to worry about and what’s worse is that we don’t exactly make it easy for each other sometimes.
Our tagline/motto/thing we say to explain why we bombard you with lifestyle advice here at Girlpanion is this: ‘The best bestie you’ll ever have’… well prepare to fucking hate me.
Yep, we’re possibly about to have our first falling out, because while it’s easy to sugarcoat advice articles, littered with puns and GIFs, sometimes we just need to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing* but the truth.
And so, to celebrate International Women’s Day, I’ll be giving you some unsolicited advice that you didn’t even realised you needed, but that will change your fucking life.
*This article definitely contains GIFs and puns.
School is in session, so grab your note book…
Lesson one: How to text boys
Curling your hair with straighteners is tricky. Running for a train in 5″ heels is a challenge. Texting boys is an impossible nightmare! Well, it doesn’t have to be, because let me blow your mind for a second: the problem isn’t what you are texting the guy, the problem is the guy you are texting. Boom! You writing this down? Because this is gold. You can spend hours with your gal-pals analysing his every word, wondering what you can say to get him to text you back, just to rack up another successful interaction with a human male, even if all he does is send you a ‘LOL’, that’s enough to make you happy, right? Well, it shouldn’t be, and not only because grown men should never ‘LOL’. You deserve better than a guy who doesn’t text you back. If I care about someone, even a little, I text them back. Heck, I text back people I don’t even like all that much because manners, so there really is no excuse. If he isn’t texting you back he isn’t interested. Simple. And let me vex you even further by questioning why you like this guy in the first place, because if he isn’t being very nice to you then I can only imagine he’s hot or rich or one of those other qualities that will not see you happy in the long run, and, guuuurl, that’s shallow. If you’ve ever battled with the mental anguish of wanting to text a guy, knowing full well that he will not text you back, then take control of the situation and stop texting him. If he misses you, he’ll text you. If he doesn’t, I just did you a huge favour. No one is worth jumping through hoops for. Never feel like you can’t/shouldn’t text someone. It doesn’t matter if it’s 3am and all you want to send him is a message comprised of a shocked face and a banana emoji. You want to tell someone you give a shit about them, then tell them. There’s a common misconception that you should only admit to liking a guy to whatever degree will not freak him out, but we’re not in school and you’re not an idiot. I’m not saying declare your undying love to every dude who sends you a shirtless snapchat, but don’t be scared to like someone. Life is short, so don’t waste a second of it waiting for the wrong people to text you back.
Lesson two: Reinvent yourself
I could tell you that every morning when you wake up, you have the chance to reinvent yourself… but it’s not true. Every goddam second of your life is a chance to make a change. If you are unhappy with yourself, make the changes – and don’t waste a second of your very precious life feeling unhappy about things that you cannot change, because it achieves nothing. Don’t like the way you look? Deciding to start a diet ‘tomorrow’ before eating yourself stupid the previous evening is a terrible idea – that food still counts, y’know? Even if it’s just all that sodium from your binge bloating you up with water weight for a few days, you’ll think your diet isn’t working immediately – shocking, I know, but they don’t work instantly – and you’ll quit. While we’re on the subject of diets, fad diets do not work. Ever. Not in the long run. Crash dieting might be a quick fix, but you’re going to put all that weight back on plus more, because a quick fix won’t ever get you well. Overhaul your eating and exercise habits and change your life in the long run. If you’re unhappy with your fella, figure things out, don’t just be miserable. Hate your job? Look for a different one. Hate your profession? Find one that you love. Life is way too short to be miserable. It’s a cliché, but it’s a fucking true one. You never know who is about to drop off the face of the earth from one minute to the next, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Would my life better if someone gave me £1 million and Henry Cavill’s hand in marriage? Yes. Is that likely to happen? Nope. So I settle for a decent macchiato and my dog licking my face. Take joy where you can get it, while you can get it, because you never know when life is going to take a dip for the worse.
Lesson three: To forgive or not to forgive…
Should you forgive people who wrong you or should you hate them forever? It’s a difficult question, and one that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about. Well, I have the answer, and you’re not going to like it. The truth is that there is no straightforward answer to this question, you have to judge each case individually, but I’ll explain why and that should help you figure it out. On the one hand, holding grudges is not good for your soul – or so I’m told, by people who have one. We all do stupid things and make mistakes, so it’s good to forgive people of theirs, because then hopefully they’ll pay you the same courtesy when you inevitably fuck up. But… but, but, but. Whilst you are a forgiving soul, you are also one who takes no shit from nobody. Whenever anyone I know wrongs me in a not-so spectacular way (like insulting my eyebrows, spoiling a TV show for me or sending me a photo of their penis that I absolutely did not ask for) I fume… but I never truly rain hellfire on these rude mother-fuckers, and I should. There are few people on this earth whose opinions matter to me, but one of these people called me out on why I don’t call people out when they’re rude to me. I would tell him about someone who pissed me off and he would ask me for reasons to keep them in my life, and if I didn’t have good reasons, he would advise me to remove this person from my life. This is great advice. So be forgiving, but waste no time or energy on people who are not worthy of your time.
Lesson four: Own it
If you’re two stone overweight, you’d probably be more confident if you lost that two stone. This is fact. But what is also fact is that you’re two stone overweight now, and it’s going to take time and work to shift it. Don’t be happy two stone lighter down the line, be happy now. Sure, you could look better – we can all always look better, but that doesn’t mean you don’t look great now. If you’re self conscious about how you look, you will look bad. If you own however you look, your confidence will shine through and look great. Always try your hardest to look your best, even if you’re only walking the dog. Remember that sometimes it’s better to be late than ugly, and remind the men who are trying to hurry you along. But, at the same time, you need to make peace with the fact that you’re never going to be perfect. There will always be bad hair days or scars or your nose isn’t the shape you’d like it to be or you try to wing your eyeliner but you can’t get it even, so you keep adding more and more to each side until you look like a raccoon and you cry ’cause you’re running late, causing it to run and then you have to take it all off and start again from the foundation up… what was I talking about? Oh yeah, you! You’re beautiful. Dress for your shape by being whatever shape you are and then putting clothes on. Look good in a bikini by putting a bikini on. When people look at your tiny outfit and observe that you must be cold, congratulate them on their powers of perception, but continue to dress like a stripper if you want to. Don’t listen to the fat-shamers who try to make you feel like you’re worthless because you’re not a size 6. At the same time, don’t listen to the fativists who bang on about how they’re a happy and healthy size 22 because, while its great that they’re happy and confident as they are, being obese is – fact – unhealthy, and not everyone is fortunate enough to make peace with being significantly overweight. Don’t feel ashamed of yourself for being miserable about being bigger. If you want to lose weight so that you can run easier and shop for clothes on the high street instead of from specialist online retailers, then you go for it. Your health and your happiness is all that matters, so whatever you do and however you look, do it for yourself. It’s not only your looks that you need to own, you’re awesome on the inside too. So you like sci-fi. You can read an entire book in one sitting. You appreciate the relaxing properties of a onesie. This is all fine and it’s what makes you who you are. Don’t be afraid to like what you like and anyone who judges you for it can respectfully fuck off. Yes, we all want to be perfect so that boys will like us, and it would be nice to be smart, funny, with a flat tummy and huge boobs and yet still have the grace to use the treadmill at the gym without looking like something out of a Rude Tube clip, but that’s not realistic, is it?
Worry less, live more, and high-five for having a vajayjay!
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