May 21, 2015
Ah, 3am – it’s good for a lot of things. It reminds me of an old Busted song that I loved. It’s a time when I’ll text absolutely anyone back out of boredom, whether it’s simply swapping emoji messages with the bestie, or half-heartedly sexting that guy I only hear from in the AM because what else am I going to do, sleep? But my absolute favourite thing to do at 3am is to replay in my mind every conversation I had the previous day, and stress over what I should have said. How I could’ve been clearer, funnier – or I’ll think of a real zinger that might not have won me an argument but, my god, it would’ve wiped the smirk off that bitch’s face.
Yes, it would be great if we could go back and edit our conversations after we have them, but we can’t. Texting is a great way to communicate because it buys us a little time, so we can think carefully about what we say before we say it. But even then, we can’t always say exactly what we want…
Wouldn’t life be so much easier if we could send the messages we wanted to send? The ones that would get us direct, honest answers. The ones that would get people off our backs. The ones that would mean we didn’t have to lie, because even though we frequently lie (even I don’t know when I’m telling the truth) it would be nice to not need to…
You’ve been flirting with a guy for a while now. You like him. He likes you. But nothing is happening between you and you don’t know why. After months of this, another guy asks you out, and he’s really nice… but he’s not the first guy. Still, if the first guy isn’t really that interested, you’re not going to stay single all your life, you need to interact with people who do want you… but you can’t just turn to the first guy and say: look, someone really nice wants to date me, so if you don’t, I’m going to go for it, but if you do want me, just say so.
When you tell someone something you know they’re not going to like, and they respond in a very blunt manner, or they don’t reply at all – is there anything worse? You know they’re pissed off, but they won’t tell you as much. So you want to ask them if they are, so you can try to explain or fix things… but you can’t. That will just piss them off even more.
Believe it or not, girls don’t enjoy rejecting guys. In fact, most of us hate it, that’s why we try to do it as kindly as possible. But some guys just do not take the hint, and they try time after time again, and even when you tell them you have a boyfriend, it only spurs them on. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind – kind to yourself, because you shouldn’t have to put up with being pestered.
Ah, for those who really don’t get the message, who you really don’t care about offending… A very blatant ‘Text STOP to unsubscribe’ kind of message. Can’t make it clearer than that.
You send someone a message of real substance and their reply is… wait, what?! The thumbs up emoji? Are you shitting me? The art of messaging exclusively emoji is reserved for those who are very close. Only my special people know what I mean when I send a panda with a gun, but that’s because we’re so close, we just get it. But if you’re messaging someone and they reply with a smiley face, they’re clearly bored of talking to you, which is weird, because you’re awesome!
Sometimes there really isn’t anything else you can say to a person, but your exceptional manners can’t allow you to not reply, so you struggle to think of something, because you can’t be the one who murders the conversation.
A message comes through inviting you on a night out filled with booze, boogieing and boys… except you can’t be arsed. It’s Friday. You’ve been working all day. You can’t face squeezing into a tiny dress, climbing into a tall pair of shoes and heading out into town to drink too much, kiss someone you’ll regret and wake up with the hangover from hell, feeling like you’ve been hit by a bus. Not when you could hop into your favourite onesie and laze on the sofa with your cool boyfriends Ben and Jerry, watching trash TV before getting to bed at a reasonable hour. But you can’t be honest about such things, lest you look like a looooser.
Look, if you like someone, hearing from them means everything. It’s that simple. A text from the person you like will send you soaring, just like not hearing from them will send you crashing back to earth. So if someone likes you, and you like them… just reach out. Just because.
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