January 14, 2016
You’ve heard of the January Blues, right? Well for some of us, that refers to our skin. Our cold, pale, transparent, corpse-like skin.
Yep, I’m talking about us chicks who are always cold. Life is constant struggle just to keep warm, but in the winter months we are truly fighting a losing battle.
Here are 15 feels that you’ll only relate to if you can’t feel your hands RN either…
‘It’s not that cold’
You know when you’re absolutely freezing, but the person you’re with thinks they’re in the Bahamas, and they make you feel weird for being freezing? The struggle is real.
You have a one track mind
At first you want a boyfriend who is sweet, kind and funny. Then, when that doesn’t happen, your relationship goal is simply: to have one. But then your priorities shift to just keeping warm. Does he have a good sense of humour? A good job? Does he hold doors open for you? It’s January, I don’t care. Does he have a 15 tog duvet? Yes? That’s amore.
You do some strange things in the name of being warm
You are a smart, sexy socialite who parties all night long…and then pays 40p to use the lav in the train station, just so you can sit under the hot hand dryer and cry about how cold it is. You will squeeze your hands around hot drinks. Hover them over candles in restaurants. The first thing you do when you visit people is locate a radiator and dry hump it. Oh, and when you get out of the bath, I guarantee your hair is the last thing you point your hairdryer at.
Your hands and feet are always freezing
You don’t know rejection until you’ve seen your boyfriend recoil in horror at the touch of your ice-cold hands. You’ll tenderly touch his face, thinking you’re so sweet, but to him it’s like Jack Frost is bitch-slapping him across the chops. Think it’s a good idea to put your cold feet on him in bed? Think again. Oh, and you can forget touching him anywhere else with those icy hands, lest he invert so hard he turns inside out.
Pure panic hits you in September
Winter is coming and you’re terrified, and you’re pretty sure that’s why so much bad stuff happens in Game of Thrones, and you know you’re going to suffer a similar fate because bad shit happens when it’s cold AF.
Being sexy just isn’t going to happen
Your gorgeous underwear options are limitless and sexy undies are a sure-fire way to impress any man…but your butt is freezing, so granny pants it is. Ugly and impenetrable – sort of like how you feel when you wear them.
You’re a spectacular bitch
April is my favourite time of year because it starts getting warmer, but it’s also my least favourite time of year because that’s when I have to write my annual ‘I’m sorry for all the terrible things I said when I was cold’ apology letters. Apparently a normal temper goes hand-in-hand with a normal temperature.
It makes you antisocial
It’s not that you don’t want to go out, and when you agree to plans you’re super psyched…but then the day comes around and you just don’t want to get out of your bed, not for anyone or anything.
You’re like a rainbow
If you’re always cold, you’re probably always super white, but as you get colder you body will change colour like a mood ring. White for ‘Yep, cold as usual’. Red for ‘Ouch, I’m so cold it hurts.’ Purple for ‘Shit, it’s really really cold today. Blue for ‘I am the most cold ever, I’m going to burst into tears. Orange for ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON I’M PRETTY SURE I’M GOING TO DIE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I HAVE ORANGE PATCHES ON MY SKIN.’
The fight for the thermostat
All of your arguments with male people probably centre around one thing: the thermostat. Whether it’s your dad who ‘isn’t made of money’ or your boyfriend who dies of heat stroke when you hug him (yes, even with your corpse-like warmth), the menfolk will not agree with you.
You hate your bladder
There is nothing worse than needing to pee in the middle of the night when it’s cold, so remember that the cup of tea you drank because bed to try and get some feeling back in your face will come back to haunt you.
Rooftop terraces break your heart
Rooftop terraces are beautiful when the weather is nice, but as soon as it’s cold, rainy, snowy, windy or any combination of those things, it legitimately crosses your mind that you’d rather jump off than endure it.
So many layers
You know that awesome dress and those sexy heels you bought to go out in? Yeah, they were a waste of time, because no one can see them under your jacket, coat, scarf and leg-warmers.
The battle to get from your bed to the bath
It’s so hard to get out of bed when it’s cold, but you know that you should. The bath seems like a great place to head, but getting there is freezing, and when the water starts getting cold you have the struggle of trying to warm it up or trying to get out without the cold air hitting you like a thousand knives all over your body.
You legit turn into a yeti
Yep, we’re girls and we know the drill, we’re supposed to shave our legs. But at the same time, we know we have to be naked when we do that, which is cold and unpleasant, and also if we grow the hair long enough it’s like extra insulation between our legs and our boner-killing, super-thick tights. Yetis have the right idea.
Sleeping naked just isn’t a thing
People always talk about how great it is sleeping naked, but that’s just not an option. We need PJs. We need electric blankets and hot water bottles. We need sixteen pairs of socks. We need a warm man/woman/dog/anything to be honest to keep us warm.
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