November 26, 2014
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Well, nearly, but the big coffee chains have launched their festive menus, the lights have been switched on and you can’t even go shopping without hearing at least 16 different versions of ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’ so just let us have this, OK?
This time next month it will all be over, which is depressing enough, but the forthcoming month will sure drag if you’re a sad single, feeling blue about being lonely this Christmas. If that’s you, then you need to see the error of your ways. Don’t worry, you’re not going to be visited by three ghosts, just one really pale blogger who is going to convince you that being single at Christmas is not just OK, it can actually be better…
You don’t need to pretend to be sexy
Very few people are naturally sexy and, if we’re being honest, keeping up the act can be exhausting. It’s all well and good getting tarted up and going out in the cold but when you get home, sometimes all you want to do is slip on an enormous onesie, fill your fluffy hot water bottle and hide from the world under a slanket. While you’re in your nest you want to drink, make short work of a selection box and sing along to ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ by Mariah Carey. Not one part of this turns guys on (and if it does, trust me, you’re definitely better off single) but for you, it will be bliss.
You get to spend more time with your family and friends
Your family are easily the coolest people you will ever know. They will infuriate you at times, but you love them, and Christmas is a great time for spending time together. Is there anything better than the whole family getting together and having fun? Whether it’s your usually ladylike, demure mother donning a pair of huge inflatable boobs, or your dad losing his shit at your new Furby and launching it at the wall (RIP); your family memories will be the greatest. The same goes for your second family – your friends. Why stress about not having that special someone to spend the holidays with when you have a whole bunch of awesome people around you?
You can binge-watch Christmas movies – and let your emotions get the better of you
‘Die Hard’, ‘Turbulence’, ‘Home Alone’, ‘Bad Santa’… these are festive films that fellas will happily watch. As you venture into the territory of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and ‘All I Want For Christmas’ you’ll have a harder time convincing certain fellas to tune in, but the real shame is in binge-watching the crappy made-for-TV movies on those festive movie channels that pop up around this time of year. You’re going to want to cry – of course you are – especially during the inevitable happy ending that you totally called at the beginning of the flick, or if you see a cute animal in any kind of clothing. The rest of the year you are a rock, but throw in a few snowflakes and sleigh bells and anything and everything makes you bawl your eyes out. Rest assured that I have consulted medial professionals and crying your eyes out at ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ is a totally normal and justified reaction to what you are witnessing, no matter how many time you’ve seen it. Phew!
You know why so many movies, books and TV shows feature in-laws from hell? You know why there’s so many mother-in-law jokes knocking around? Because it’s true, your in-laws will hate you. If you’re charming you’ll soon get the dad on board, but your fella’s mamma will often blindly dislike you for no reason. You’re lovely! You’re polite, your ‘mum mode’ is infallible and you’re doing and saying all the right things and… it’s not enough. It’s never enough. Christmas is for having fun, not jumping through hoops.
No balls of any kind
If you don’t have a significant other at the most wonderful time of the year then the really wonderful news is that you won’t have to make any compromises. You won’t have to sit through any boring football/cricket/rugby/whatever matches – it’s all balls anyway, isn’t it? It isn’t just the sporty fellas you’ll have to make allowances for, I have similar feelings about Dr Who, so don’t think you’ll be getting off lightly either way. What’s that? You and you bloke have everything in common and no compromises are needed? Yep, you’re not welcome here.
You can ask Santa for other men
You don’t have a significant other which means the possibilities are endless. Go to a department store, climb on Santa’s lap and reel off a list of names of sexy fellas you’re hoping to find under your tree on December 25th. Henry Cavill, Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum – the choice is yours*. Just tell Santa** what you want and if you’ve been good, he will deliver***.
* We can’t guarantee this will happen.
** We will not be held responsible for what happens if you sit on an old stranger’s lap and start talking about people you want to sleep with.
*** Santa will know if you haven’t been good, so don’t lie.
You can kiss people under the mistletoe
There’s mistletoe everywhere and if you time it right you might wind up under there with someone sexy. I mean, it’s bad luck if you don’t kiss, so what’s a girl to do? It’s also tradition, and who are you to break tradition? Try not to desperately linger underneath for too long, your lips permanently pouted, and be careful of that guy who keeps asking you out – he’s lurking, you just know it. With no fellas holding you back, you never know who you’re going to meet under the mistletoe…
You don’t need to rush to get ready
At Christmas your consumption of body glitter goes up tenfold. As such, getting ready takes much longer. In fact, with everyone making that extra effort to look special, it means you’re having to spend even longer than usual piling on your slap, curling your hair and trying on everything you own. This whole ordeal is only made more stressful by a fella constantly asking if you’re ready yet and insincerely telling you that you look nice in everything in a vain attempt to try and speed up the process.
You don’t need to stress over what to buy him/her
In the words of old St Cliff, Christmas is a time for giving, a time for getting. Christmas shopping is stressful, so one less person to buy for will make life easier. How much are you supposed to spend on a significant other? Have you been together long enough to spend that much? What if you over-spend and he buys you bubble bath? What if you buy him socks and he buys you an engagement ring and then you have to say no because the fact you bought him socks speaks volumes. Singles need not sweat this stuff, just buy yourself something.
There’s no one to argue with
In times off stress, it’s easy to argue about anything and everything with those closest to you. A bit of bad weather, not being able to decide what to wear and running late, accidentally insulting his mother… these are perfect conditions for a perfect storm and an argument of epic proportions. Throw alcohol into the mix, that bird at his office who you know fancies him trying to drag him underneath the mistletoe, the fact he said he’d help you wrap the presents and you’ve wound up doing it all alone… Don’t be the couple outside the party, arguing in the cold. Be the people inside having fun, stealthily waiting for the Matthew McConaughey look-a-like to walk under the mistletoe. Again. Mwah!
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